Meeting the parents.
It’s a relationship rite of passage that’s been chronicled via the cringe-inducing relationship between Jack Byrnes and Greg Focker, numerous episodes of “Friends” and the words of Jonathan Tropper.
You don’t hear about this dreaded scenario often in college because, naturally, you’ve gotta meet a boyfriend/girlfriend before you meet parents. And “forever alone~” is the collective cry reverberating through every campus in the nation, masking loneliness while poking fun at it. (Self-deprecation is the defense mechanism de rigueur.)
But I digress.
So, relationships? Mingling with parents? Thanks, but no thanks.
In spite of that, however, meeting the parents is nevertheless an experience looming in some people’s near futures. Maybe it’s something you’ve already been through. Those who fall in that latter camp can probably agree that it’s downright nerve-wracking, like walking the gauntlet, if you will.
Whether you outwardly freak or bottle up anxiety, meeting your S/O’s parents is the near-equivalent of a job interview, minus the business attire. The two instances are comparable because in both you’re smiling while simultaneously lying your ass off, concealing flaws and red flags, and secretly praying that a higher power will come through in the clutch and grant you charm, affability and proper manners.
Save yourself from some of the agony of meeting the parents by following these easy steps.
Don’t have a Jewish significant other.
Just kidding. But seriously. Jewish guys and girls are all fine and dandy until you have to meet the Jewish vagina that brought them to life. Jewish mothers make Tiger Moms look tame. They’ll question your upbringing, sneer at your lack of a JD/MBA and wonder why you didn’t play after-school sports at the local JCC. And you won’t even know it. She’ll smile at you while wiping schmutz off her husband’s face and sizing up your (underwhelming) potential. The chances of you walking away from that encounter unscathed and with your self-esteem intact are slim. Enter with caution, and don’t forget to acknowledge the mezuzah at the front door.
Via: wealthysinglemommy.com
Don’t have a significant other whose parents have had a messy divorce.
You haven’t experienced awkward until you’ve spent, say, Thanksgiving with the divorced couple who gave birth to your man/ladyfriend. The aroma of turkey, graving and stuffing will be overtaken by the stench of resentment and hate. The alimony is too high, the betrayal is fresh and, after enough wine, people will lose their shit.
And guess what? You’ll probably be eye of this hurricane. It’s much more fun to make a stranger the bull’s eye of the divorce shrapnel because then you can offer a wildly biased and inflated version of what went wrong. Bring a neckbrace to all gatherings at which both parties will be – the he-said she-said will be flying back and forth at dangerous speeds. And tread lightly because taking sides never ends well. Be Switzerland — neutral and removed. Or better yet, retreat from the battlefield altogether. This is one situation a unity quilt won’t and can’t fix.
Don’t have a significant other whose parents are in the STEM fields.
Oh, you graduated with a degree in art history? That’s so… Interesting. Their words will drip with disdain when the topics of higher education and/or careers come up in conversation. You understand the institutional theory of art and could expound on Marcel Duchamp, but that will not impress them so don’t try it. Pretend that you’re considering going to med school, even though you know damn well that plan crashed and burned when you failed organic chemistry.
Don’t have a Russian significant other.
I assume they called it the Cold War because Russians’ personalities are icy as hell. Without proper lubrication (vodka and borscht), their stoic faces are like stone and their eyes will bore holes into your very existence. Russian parents will be underwhelmed by how little Tolstoy you’ve read, and, let’s face it, you probably don’t play the piano as well as you should. They lived through communism and drank perfume to get fucked up. They’ve seen some shit, and you’ll probably be a little pathetic in their opinion. If you’re a girl and especially unlucky, your S/O’s grandmother will try to set your boyfriend up with her hairdresser’s Russian daughters Anya or Svetlana while you’re still sitting at the dinner table. But she speaks only Russian, so you’ll never be the wiser.
Via: canada.com
Don’t have a significant other whose parents are die-hard Republicans.
Welcome to the right-wing, where revealing you believe in global warming and affirmative action are grounds for termination. Don’t talk about a funny bit you saw on Anderson Cooper 360, and definitely don’t criticize trickle-down economics. Ronald Reagan is God, so bow down. You’ll walk away from all family interactions with a mouthful of blood from biting your tongue so many times. But it’s worth it, especially when you first witness how ferociously Mom snarls at the mention of Barack Obama’s name, that Kenyan socialist. When you exit that red-state Twilight Zone, know that the odds of your S/O turning out like his or her parents are very high. Take a walk on the wild side, and envision your future together: your son receiving a lifetime NRA membership from Uncle Ted for his 18th birthday, and your daughter being taught about abstinence as the only form of birth control. Once you come to that horrific mental image and break up with your girl/boyfriend, you’ll likely be told to “fuck off, commie,” but hey, that’s a small price to pay to not have to relinquish Friday nights with Bill Maher.
Basically what I’m saying is, just don’t date. Pizza is delicious, and cats aren’t so bad.
Featured photo courtesy of: YouTube
