Ah, to be young, wild and drunk.
Spring Break — more commonly referred to as SB2K15 OFY!!!! on Facebook statuses — is a great time to be alive. But make no mistake: Only the strong survive. We at GainesvilleScene encourage all of our readers to partake in SB festivities irresponsibly, responsibly; so we’re running it back with our Spring Break 2014 guide.
Enjoy.
1. Ladies, seeing as you’ve been eating one crouton and one grape per day for the last two weeks, take the first day of drinking slow. Your body might go into carbohydrate shock. Yes, beer, like, literally has carbs.
2. When boarding a cruise, hide your rum runners and hide them well. Stuff them so far into the folds of your sleeves that even David Blaine couldn’t make them reappear. You don’t want to surrender $30 worth of Malibu to alcohol cruise jail.
3. Forget that one incident you had in high school that’s haunted you for years and abandon your fear of tequila. Honor the holy grail of Spring Break belligerency and drink a fucking margarita.
4. If you’re stuck in the Ville or at home over spring break, no worries. Take this time to appreciate the fact that no one will see your pale whale of a body. (Thanks, Fall semester.)
5. If you see a “Girls Gone Wild” camera crew, definitely participate. It’s a great resume builder.
6. Never fall in love during spring break. But if you do, don’t worry about it because you’ll be included in that exclusive club of 95 percent of college students.
7. If traveling to Panama City Beach, try to not be as trashy as Panama City Beach. Don’t get kicked out of the overpriced bar you paid to get into. Try to leave with your dignity… And more importantly, try to leave before you have to make a trip to the ER.
8. Phone. Keys. Wallet. SPF 50. Water. Umbrella. Change of clothes. Towel. Snack. Flask. Every single time you leave the room. No exceptions.
9. Nair. You bought a nice discounted bathing suit from Gilt, and so what, maybe it hangs a little low… Just Nair that hairy ass, dude. Get all those weird little hairs off your lower back/upper butt and be as flexible as you like during pictures. Just give yourself a few days to recover from the burn.
10. For days when you’re stranded in your hometown with no one to hang out with, you’d be surprised at how much fun a night alone with Netflix and your favorite bottle could be.Turn on “House of Cards” and every time Frank deceives someone, take a hearty swig.
Via: movies.netflix.com
11. If you go to the Bahamas, don’t buy illicit substances from the locals. Anything you will inevitably receive (baking soda, oregano, baby laxatives) can be purchased at a drugstore. I know you want to channel your inner Scarface, but just remember that he dies at the end.
12. If you’ve forgotten to make plans for Spring Break, think about taking a trip with your mom somewhere cool. Go skiing, hit up Harry Potter world, do just about anything. Nothing beats hanging with mom.
13. Be careful using a fake ID. The bouncers in Gainesville may believe you’re a 26-year-old Hispanic woman, but Key West will see you for who you really are: a wasted 19-year-old white girl.
14. The best hangover cure is a strawberry daiquiri and a loaded Corona. Because, well, there’s no such thing as a hangover cure during Spring Break, just a hangover delay.
15. Negotiating tattoo prices while blacked out South of the Border will always end in failure. Your accelerated Spanish credentials don’t mean shit, but that’s okay, because you’ll successfully avoid Hep C and matching tattoos with your best friend.
16. Use protection. Protection from the sun. Protection from the sharks. Protection from the frat guy buying you cheap drinks.
17. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can get away with anything in Vegas:
- You will get kicked out of the casino for wearing a shirt that says “fuck” on it, no matter the context or conjugation.
- You cannot win back the money you lost when you played drunk craps, no matter how early you wake up and how much coffee you drink.
- You will get kicked out of the strip club for prodding that fake ass, even if it is the first one you’ve ever seen.
- Most importantly, inflation is a motherfucker—you cannot expect to not get food poisoning from eating anything that costs less than five bucks (Five-dollar footlongs in Vegas are $12.50, to give you some perspective).
18. Don’t be ashamed to play “Timber” on repeat.
19. If you’re venturing out of the UF comfort zone, AKA Midtown and its usual characters transplanted in Key West for a week, carpe diem and make new friends. It’s spring break, so good vibes will be bountiful and contagious.
20. Guys, just because you’re on Spring Break, it is still unacceptable to drink something with an umbrella in it. Be a man, and drink it straight.
21. If you’re planning a road trip of any distance, don’t ignore your car’s warning signs. It doesn’t matter if you can’t tell what the symbol on your dash is — they all mean fire. Pull over. Bring a book, some trail mix and some mace because AAA takes their sweet ass time and you never know what kind of morally bankrupt transient might be walking along I-75 pushing a honey-baked ham inside a baby stroller.
22. Spend the extra $5 on a decent meal. You’ve been baking in the sun, you haven’t had a drop of water and you’re starting to look like Steve Buscemi. So pass on the burger and fries and get yourself something right.
23. Sex on the beach under the stars sounds like a good idea in theory, but you’ll end up with sand in all the wrong places or a public indecency charge, thus killing any romantic vibes you’re sending out to the universe.
24. Spend more time making memories than taking facey photos. Everyone will be too blacked out to like your Instagrammed sunset and/or bikini pic anyway.
25. Have a fucking blast.
Featured photo courtesy of: UberHumor
