Exam week is finally here and conveniently enough, you need to score an 103% on every final to get that A- you’ve been half-heartedly shooting for. You’re probably butt chugging coffee, pulling all nighters, pissing away your time on the Internet and wishing it would all be over.
If you’re biting your nails and slamming your head against the wall already, let us remind you that stress pretty much destroys your body. It can cause a suppressed immune system, high blood pressure, elevated risk of stomach acid and ulcers, headaches, backaches, colds and even cancer. If that’s not enough to scare you…it also makes you look like shit.
Instead of telling you to “take deep breaths” and “go for a short walk,” the GainesvilleScene team has some unorthodox tips to help you relieve stress.
Disclaimer: GainesvilleScene is not liable for any injuries, misery or lawsuits that result in following these tips.
- Have someone rub your ears
Certain parts of your ears have little reflex points that can relax areas of your body. Plus it feels strangely good. - Swear loudly
Researchers at Keele University in England, found that enraged yelling raises the heart rate and causes your body to be more tolerant of pain. And if you’ve ever watched multiple Study Edge reviews in a row, you understand pain.
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Masturbate
No explanation necessary. Just make sure you’re studying at home and not at Library West. - Ask absurd questions to the GainesvilleScene team
Our new segment “THE UNSCENE // THE OBSCENE” offers answers, advice and uncensored truth from your favorite group of misfits. - Watch an episode of garbage reality TV
You’ll feel better about your current IQ and it might even boost your motivation for graduation from college.
- Back-stalk yourself on Facebook
You get a chance to admire how far you’ve come in the fashion world. Why did you love fake tattoo chokers and Hollister graphic tees so much? - Eat chocolate
Think you’re going to have a heart attack mid study guide? A 9-year Swedish study shows that those who ate one or two servings of dark chocolate each week cut their risk for heart failure by as much as a third.
- Blow up a few balloons
When you’re stressed you take short and shallow breaths. Blowing up a balloon will force you to breathe more slowly and deeply, since you have to use your diaphragm. It can reducing your heart rate and relax your muscles. -
Call your Mom
Researchers have found that hearing the sound of your mom’s voice can reduces stress hormones and boost levels of oxytocin. Unless she’s going to harass you about your grades and ungrateful attitude, then proceed to hang up as fast as possible.
- Float on your back in an unsuspecting neighbor’s pool
The adrenaline boost you’ll get from sneaking around paired with the serene weightlessness of floating in water is guaranteed to calm your nerves. - Have Sex
(Guys, do this before you take that Vyvanse) Post-orgasm your brain will be flooded with the feel-good hormone oxytocin. If you add a few minutes of cuddling afterwards, you’re golden.
- Watch some stand-up comedy
A good laugh chills out your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure, which results in a nice, relaxed feeling. Some Netflix favorites include: John Mulaney, George Carlin, Louie C.K., Richard Prior - Yoga
You’ll get loose and tune into your body’s energy patterns. - Drink a glass of fucking orange juice
People who have high levels of vitamin C show less physical and mental reactions to stress. They can also bounce back quicker after particularly stressful situations (ie: an Organic Chemistry final).
- Punch your best friend in the gut
Physically hitting something produces a response in your body that helps to relieve tension. If your compadre is not down to help you out, punch him anyway. Just kidding. Find a punching bag or a giant teddy bear. - Light a bonfire and burn all of your papers from the semester
You’re fucking done!!!! Burn that shit!!! And while you’re at, burn all those love notes from the bitch that broke your heart outside of Cantina this spring. - Cry into a container of Chinese food
The smell of MSG and baby corn is enough to make anyone relax. It will also help you pretend you’re the endearing lead character of a mediocre romantic comedy.
- Stick your face into warm laundry out the dryer
Good luck with this one, since you’re actually going to have the time and effort to do laundry. - Play rainymood.com for a few hours
The sound of rain is calming as hell. It’s nice to think about a storm that isn’t the shitstorm of your life.
- Have a 30 second dance party every half hour
Twerk, Crank dat Soulja Boy, do the Polka, it doesn’t matter. Shake what your mama gave you and your brain will release enough endorphins to make you forget about integrals and the French word for grapefruit. (It’s pamplemouse, by the way.) - Realize that you are one vessel among millions in an ever-expanding universe and accept the literal finite nature of your existence
You’re fucking tiny and made out of star dust. Your exams just aren’t that serious.
Good luck from your friends at GainesvilleScene.
Featured photo courtesy of: HuffingtonPost
