It’s a natural response. You open your computer and immediately go to Facebook, as always, but this time you find your friend never signed out. We’ve been seeing these statuses since middle school:
“I’m gay!”
“I like to eat poop.”
“Hackkkkkkkeedddddddddddd!!!!!!”
“OMG I LOOOOOOOOVVE [status's real author]”
But c’mon, it’s 2014. We are adults and we are better than that.
Every so often a friend will use your phone/computer/smart watch/internet-connected toilet to check their Facebook either so they can get their fix of Internet crack or so the two of you can tag-team stalk that guy or gal you met at the club the night before. But when you return to your computer to find someone else’ notifications, you can’t resist the temptation to post something on their behalf. Well, people, it’s time we get more original. We’re past the immaturity of “I’m gay,” and let’s leave the word hacking for those wizards who can break into security systems and delete video footage, “24″ style.
Below are a few ideas for the next time you find yourself in the possession of someone else’s profile.
The Homage
I got this idea when a friend told me about the craze Tubmanning that was sweeping his school. All you do is change the person’s profile and cover photos to pictures of Harriet Tubman. Simple and hilarious. But this can be done with any over-looked historical figures and minor celebrities! I did this recently to a friend with my personal hero Al Roker. Other options include, but are not limited to Jimmy Carter, Celine Dion, George Foreman or any of the Golden Girls.
Newsfeed Spamming
You should know your friend well enough to know what makes them tick. Whether it’s some obnoxious celebrity, politics, a food allergy or whatever, start liking every page related to that topic. When they log back in, they won’t have any idea they liked 30 pages about “Yeezianity: The Church of Yeezus” until they start seeing posts about historic moments in the life of the god Yeezus. Good luck to them with trying to figure out how to unlike all those pages.
New Friends
Friends are like money and toilet paper, you can never have enough. Take a journey through the friend list and fill in the gaps. Just add people that won’t lead to situations that are too unbearably awkward (if you’re a good friend), but add a bunch of people you know they only kind of know. They might even thank you for the extra likes and lives on Candy Crush. They won’t even know you did it until they receive a sudden influx of new friends or creepy messages.
The Ice Breaker
Similar to adding new friends, go ahead and start messaging (non-incriminating) people, “Hey! What’re you doing tonight?” But make sure to delete the conversation before you log out. They’ll thank you when they’re invited to a bunch of cool parties they don’t actually want to be at.
The Status
Ah, the status. “What’s on your mind?’ It’s the first place your eyes go when you see that this is not your profile. Writing a quick status and logging out is the easiest prank, but make sure it’s only of the best quality. Make sure it’s funny, but not anything they would have to explain to their parents. Announce to the world their love for Nickelback, their anger at the latest episode of “Girls” or that they’ve taken up cooking and ear wax is their secret ingredient.
The Birthday
Changing your friend’s birthday is fun today, but how about changing it to the day before their birthday? If they never notice (they probably won’t), they’ll be bombarded by wall posts from complacent acquaintances they haven’t spoken to in six years for not one day, but two.
Let’s put an end to thoughtless Facebook hacking. Access to someone’s profile is a dangerous thing, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun before you respectfully log out. Don’t destroy their profile, but leave a little reminder to your friend to make sure they’re logged out next time they come over.
Featured photo courtesy of: HowTeachersTeach
