When I’m not ordering Jimmy John’s directly to my door or watching every TV drama on Netflix, I still have plenty of time to convince myself I’m not a lazy piece of shit. Even with my personal procurement slave, Amazon.com, and the uncanny ability to Facetime my friends instead of visiting them, there have always been those few things that force me to actually leave the bed. For better or worse, that list is getting shorter.
Enter the age of LazyTech: the inevitable future built on a diet of smartphones and Wi-Fi. In the past few years, tech startups have clamored to organize and monopolize on all of the things you hate to do yourself, from cleaning the house, to buying groceries, to hailing a cab. Think of all the things you’ll never have to do while hungover again!
Homejoy wants to clean up your mess of a life
Hop-scotching over discarded pizza boxes and crushed cans of Natty Light just to make it to the bed? Can’t figure out if that dried stain in the rim of your toilet is vomit or fungus? Homejoy will wipe it all away, and you can schedule a visit completely online. Is this really a tech company? Absolutely. Homejoy uses intensive data analysis to match cleaners to customers, optimize travel routes and automate hiring based on geographic demand, without which they wouldn’t be able to offer competitive pricing.
Competitor: Exec
Via: yelp.com
Instacart will drop off all the fresh groceries you need
For just $99 per year you can have all the food you’re too “busy” to shop for yourself delivered within 2 hours for no extra charge. You pick out your items from a list of approved retailers, complete with juicy pictures and options for replacements if the item is out of stock, and a personal shopper buys it all up and delivers it right to your door. It’s almost enough to make you rethink Chinese take-out 5 nights a week. Almost.
Competitors: Amazon Fresh, Google Shopping Express
Uber can drive you to your next bar blackout and back again
Owning a car in a big city is a rough burden, so why not let the proud and few do all the driving for you? Utilizing the average Joes in your city that desperately need extra cash, the Uber app will let you pick a driver based on Yelp-like reviews (and even see how nice their car is), send them directly to your location and take you wherever you need to go at all hours of the day. Payment is completely automated, and now you’re free to be as belligerent as you can afford without worrying about getting home.
Competitors: Lyft, Sidecar
Via: roadandtrack.com
MakeSpace is packing your shit away
Inspired by the digital file storage and access of Dropbox, MakeSpace has decided to make real life just a little bit more like the Internet. Rather than have its customers exert an ounce of heavy lifting, MakeSpace will pick up your useless things and store them away for you. They drop off bins, you throw things in, and once they’ve been picked up (for free) you can recall them whenever you need. You can snap a top-down picture of your bin’s contents, and MakeSpace will create a visual catalog for all of your precious belongings that you can access online at anytime. Try to limit your novelty shot glasses to just one bin.
Competitor: Boxbee
Shyp brings UPS to you
No one likes the post office, or even going outside, for that matter, so Shyp is coming to your door to pick up any and everything you need to mail and sending it out—for just $5. No need to wrap anything, Shyp provides the package, the postage, and of course shipment tracking. You just have to take a photo on their mobile app, set the destination, and request a pick up. Never go postal again.
Competitor: USPS (…sort of.)
Via: blog.shyp.com
These services aren’t available in Gainesville yet, but the startups are expanding faster than a frat star’s gut at a kegger. If nothing else, you can use and abuse them while you’re out in major cities on internships, co-ops or real-world jobs.
The lazy life is looking up, but we have to be careful—does anyone else remember that 480 pound Martin County woman that had to be surgically removed from her couch after not moving from it for six years?
Think about that the next time you sit down for a Mad Men marathon.
Featured photo courtesy of: Aircraft IT
