We’ve guided you on everything from how to survive roadtrip, what music to play at your pregame, where to eat lunch…Wow, come to think of it, we might actually be running your life. Anyway, it’s Valentine’s day, the annual holiday of love, romance and emotional eating, so the GainesvilleScene team thought we should impart some of our sacred wisdom.
Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any relationship issues, emotional damages or therapy costs that result from following this advice.
1. She might like you now, but keep eating that late night Domino’s and you’ll start to notice nap time and sex time running a strong inverse relationship…totally not in your favor #shredseason
2. No one likes being tickled, true love or not, so cut that shit out.
3. True love is finding someone who will still love you after watching you eat multiple baskets of Olive Garden bread sticks. If they don’t stick around, it wasn’t true love.
4. If I had a quarter for every time I said “I love you,” I’d be passed out in the alley behind Grog every Friday #beattheclock
5. When you find someone that will voluntarily watch The Food Network (specifically “Chopped”) for five consecutive hours, hold on and never let go.
6. It’s always true love until the lights come on.
7. You’re not playing with her feet or her nipples enough. Seriously, you’re not.
8. There are two days to avoid all restaurants at all costs: Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day. Cook her something if you can, and if you can’t, suggest cooking together, then struggle your way through boiling a pot of water until she gets so frustrated that she takes over. It’s the same strategy as when your mom asked you to vacuum for the first time.
9. Don’t make your bitch be big spoon. It’s not cute and you look like a fetus.
10. When it comes to love, don’t pretend you feel a certain way about someone if you don’t. If you’re going to be an asshole, do it full throttle. Don’t say things to make the other person complacent or you’ll end up weaving a one massively tangled web.
11. On the real, treat yourself to some Valentine’s Day goodies, like Everclear and a vibrator. Gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else, right?
12. One word. Nair. For you, for her, whatever. Just rub that shit all over. It’s awesome.
13. I know it’s fucking cliché, but communication is key. Be honest and vocal about your feelings. Resentment is bad for the complexion.
14. Speaking of complexions… Engage in sex marathons more often. Not only are they good for your relationship, but they make your skin glow and your hair soft. Do it to it.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Featured photo courtesy of: LiveJournal
