Disclaimer: No pun intended anywhere.
If you were one of those asshole kids that ate only chicken nuggets and spaghetti with butter, then I’m sure it was quite a breakthrough for you and your family when you tried sushi for the first time (now you won’t stop taking Instagrams of that shit). Maybe there was that one time you asked your dad to buy you a chicken cutlet hero and he, unbeknownst to you, ordered breaded eggplant instead and laughed at you as you ate, scarring you for life to the point where every time you order chicken at a restaurant, you feel obligated to look your server in the eye and ask “Are you fucking with me?” While that is obviously terribly rude, you usually find you never have to ask for more bread or water the entire meal after a comment like that and maybe even get a “complementary” dessert!
We often face the decision to either surrender to our fears or embrace them, and many times we regret not taking advantage of these precious opportunities. Whether it’s being too afraid to raise your hand in class and share your opinion about animal cruelty, or any other captivating topic people truly enjoy hearing, or just crossing the street when the light is green. As much as our generation likes to talk about how incredibly diverse we are, with our mission trips to developing countries, and our enthusiasm for culture, like creepy French films, most of us are, in reality, really culturally inexperienced and sheltered.
There is an intensely dark place I’ve never understood and this past New Year I resolved to explore that daunting place. There’s probably a lot to learn about this dark place, a certain, mysterious part of the human body, but I’ve never really had the urge to investigate (i.e. hers).
Via: nationalgeographic.com
Honestly, the only way I’m going down there (you know where “there” is, don’t act innocent) is if we just took a scalding hot shower together for 30 minutes and scrubbed it with a loofa until it changed colors (the loofa). Even then I’d still be like, “Gahhh, do I have to?” But let’s be real, we don’t get these shower opportunities. When you bring a girl home after a blackout night at the bars, you’re lucky if you can get her to wipe her dripping make up off her chin and somehow mask the combined scent of Chanel No. 5 and tuna salad she’s got going on. These are the exact moments you think to yourself, “Absolutely not.” However, in the right (perfect) setting, you know, I could be down to see what’s good.
I’ve never flirted with that area before, hers nor mine. In fact, I’m grossed out by wiping my own bottom; borderline embarrassed. I don’t know much about the anus beyond the news that, apparently, girls like to bunch up their toilet paper when they wipe and guys prefer to fold. Girls are so silly.
I forget which one of Newton’s Laws he was referring to, but my physics teacher always said “What smells like shit, probably tastes like shit.” Yeah, yeah, there is the Durian fruit, which apparently smells like sewage but tastes quite delicious (shout out to “Chopped”), but if you’re one of those guys who thinks going down on a girl is punishment, then eating analigus has to be equivalent to like, winning a trip to Somalia and having to go, and by chance meeting Joan Rivers, who, for some reason, is very attracted to you and forces you to go with her to a Goo Goo Dolls Concert and makes you hold her hand when “Iris” comes on and then takes you home with her and forces you to dress up like a politician from the 1800’s and eat her butthole. So like, torture. But that’s because it is right? Well, maybe not.
There are plenty of people that have obsessions with the region, and there are equally as many that don’t care either way. I’m sure there are probably a bunch of girls out there who would be really turned on by a guy who appreciates their butthole. I guess it’s sort of cute-looking sometimes, I’m not really sure. Sometimes it looks like an eye that is just continuously winking at you, and that can either make you giggle or make you extremely creeped out. All I’m saying is that if it’s her time of the month, that doesn’t necessarily mean game over. More like….game on, bro.
Big picture, it’s almost disgraceful how we push aside things that are so often literally right in front of our faces. That Ben Harper song goes “So before you knock it, try it first, and you’ll see it’s a blessing and it’s not a curse.” Think about that time you went skydiving and how completely panicked you were in the plane, and how you thought to yourself “lol, this is literally so stupid,” but it wasn’t — it was actually one of the coolest things you’ve ever done. Imagine if you approached all things in life with that type of attitude. No matter how difficult, time-consuming, annoying or smelly things can seem, you’ll never know until you get your hands dirty.
So please, don’t submit to your fears, try fondling them instead!
Featured photo courtesy of: Flickr
