It’s that beloved time of year once again: Winter Break. You’re about to be home sweet home until 2014 and GainesvilleScene has the advice you need to make sure you survive the holidaze (c’mon, we helped you make it through LSU roadtrip).
1.) There is NO need to force small talk with that random guy who sat two rows away from you in geometry just because you walked by each other in the mall. Look straight ahead and keep walking. Don’t underestimate peoples’ disdain for pointless conversation and appreciation of feigned tunnel vision.
2.) Haphazard shacking, believe it or not, is not a widely accepted practice outside the undergraduate bubble. Our parents were once reckless drunks too, but let’s not burden them with physical proof.
3.) Start contacting those high school friends yesterday. You need New Year’s Eve plans and so do they. They don’t care that you haven’t spoken since prom either, because everyone’s looking to get rowdy one last time in 2013.
4.) Use the first week of break to detox. I don’t mean simply no alcohol. I’m talking colon cleansers, maybe a 3 day juicing, do some yoga, read the Da Vinci Code again, just spend some quality time on the toilet. Trust me, you need it.
5.) Excessive family relative hugging? Just play off the holiday cold. A cold is severe enough that everyone will give you the distance you need, but not deathly enough that you wont make a full recovery the next night to go out with your friends.
6.) Now that you’re technically an adult you should probably buy real presents for your immediate family members and/or best friends. We all know spending the minuscule amount of money we have on others can be tough, so be smart and use it at places like TJ Maxx or Target, or online shop with Amazon or Etsy. Nobody really likes $5 gift cards.
7.) “It’s the holidays” is the best excuse for overstaying any welcome. This is applicable for both your parents house and when you’re knee-deep in your friends eggnog-stacked fridge.
8.) The lack of alcohol over winter break may leave your body in a state of shock. Symptoms include: the ability to think more clearly, long lasting productive energy, and an average of ten to fifteen pound weight loss. Make sure the punch bowl is spiked at the Christmas party to keep your system in check.
9.) Parents adore being reunited with their long lost college-goer and are more than willing to surrender to your every request. Milk it people. Savor living at the leisure of home cooked meals and free laundry services for as long as this break will allow.
10.) If you’re any degree of normal your body was converted into a dumpster these past few months. Do yourself right and get healthy again, your future spring break self will worship you.
11.) Your FSU friends will make fun of Gator football. Let them. Remember how upset they were when they didn’t get in? Let them have their fun.
12.) Guys: before going in for the kill and giving your booty call a kiss at midnight, remember that in this case, timing might change her expectations of you. Face-rape her at 12:02, instead.
13.) At family events try and avoid hard alcohol like the plague. Instead, drink wine and do it at a fast pace so you trick inattentive relatives into thinking you have self-control and are still nursing your first glass.
14.) If you can see “Best Man Holiday” and “A Madea Christmas” then you win Winter Break.
15.) Make a nice list of things you want to learn how to do, and then fucking learn to do it. Some suggestions: learn how to make an attractive powerpoint presentation, how to use photoshop effectively, find out the differences between a democrat and a republican, go nuts. I recently found out that Barefoot Contessa isn’t actually that hoe’s name. If not for your own personal growth, then at least to give you an advantage on your QuizUp opponents.
16.) Alternatives to Chinese restaurants for a Jewish Christmas: hibachi, Korean barbecue and those sushi bars where the food comes to you on little boats.
17.) Practice perfecting your high-five (you’ll need it at that New Years LAN party you were forced into going to).
18.) It is now universally known that you are on Winter Break and it’s time to craft your go-to denial line. Use it on the kid from your sophomore chemistry class when he Facebook messages you asking to chill (more often than not, you’re not feeling THAT chemistry). With that being said, get ready for text message and Facebook chat overload. Your entire high school graduating class is going to be home just like you. Prepare accordingly.
19.) Craft a heartfelt, but casual holiday text to that faraway crush from school on Christmas Day (Wait later in the afternoon so you don’t sound desperate). Everyone’s in a great mood with not much to do post-present opening, so your chances at blossoming a nice conversation increase greatly.
20.) The bars in your city are not Midtown. You can’t blackout and then stumble home and sleep on a Five-Star pizza. Don’t drink and drive. A DUI is a worse gift than coal on Christmas.
21.) Have a happy fucking holiday
Photo courtesy of: Step Brothers
