Let me first clarify; I am by no means a master chef. I should never call myself a chef, or be called a chef, or even a cook for that matter. I am not a food enthusiast or a nutrition expert, but what I am, is just really, really hungry all the time.
I have no interest in looking up intricate recipes, doing anything that requires boiling water, or for the love of god, attempting to make sushi. If you find yourself in that situation it’s because of one of two things:
1. You’ve suddenly become overly ambitious after watching an episode of “Chopped”.
2. You’re being punished by your girlfriend for not going down on her enough and she has threatened to break up with you, or even worse, go on a different fraternity’s road trip.
Back to the point, you’re very hungry and the only thing you’re interested in eating is something that will stop your stomach from growling and won’t require unnecessary work.
Well, through trial and error, I’ve discovered some very easy concoctions for college students like myself who are sick of overcooked grilled chicken and turkey sandwiches. The following instructions will make us appear like we have mad skills in the kitchen; but really, our culinary imagination is at its absolute extent.
Homemade Potato Chips:
Via: reddit.com
- Buy a large potato at publix.
- Place the potato on a cutting board and find yourself a large sharpened knife, like something Patrick Bateman or Aaron Hernandez would use.
- Cut this potato in half, the long way, to give you two equal pieces.
- Using one half, take your large knife and cut the potato into thin slices, each slice looking like a semi circle.
- Cut these as thick or thin as you like. If they’re too thick, they will take longer to crisp, but if too thin, they may stick to the pan and your life is over.
- Next, grab a large bowl. Dump in some olive oil and throw the nicely sliced potatoes in.
- Sprinkle in a generous amount of salt and pepper, perhaps some garlic or chili powder, mix it up with your hands, dump the shit on a pan and throw it in the oven. Flip those bitches after about 10-12 min, wait a little longer, and you’re done.
You made potato chips bro, you’re the man.
Chicken/Meat Fried Rice
Revolutionary.
**Really easy and fun if you have a large frying pan and a rice cooker.**
This meal you should cook in bulk, it will last you a few days.
- Grab 2 or 3 or 4 chicken breasts, cut them up into small little pieces (Picture the Japanese station in the mall food courts…you’re doing literally what these guys do).
- Throw the pieces into your large bowl filled with whatever oil you have (Sesame oil would be super tight and appropriate).
- Cut up an entire onion, cry like a baby, throw it in the bowl with the chicken.
- While it’s sitting, cook your rice, dude, not going to explain that.
- Grab your frying pan, put the heat on high, and throw the chicken and onions in. As the chicken begins to cook, dump in a little of your huge container of Kikkoman’s soy sauce you bought at Sam’s Club for 9 cents.
- Grab another pan, crack like 4 eggs in it, cook those eggs. Don’t use egg whites cause you think it’s healthy, do you really want egg whites in your fried rice, ya big weirdo?
- Great, your rice is done, throw it in a large bowl, add some butter to it and mix it up.
- Sprinkle some sesame seeds on your chicken and onions and throw it in the bowl. Mix that up real nice. You’re almost done.
- Use your spatula to chop up the egg in the pan, throw that in the bowl.
Congratulations, you made it. Now go put on “Crazy Stupid Love” since it’s always on TV and you don’t hate it and stuff your face.
Grilled Cheese
- Toast your bread first.
- Put it on a hot pan.
Now the twist. Instead of those gross yellow cheese slices, just use a better cheese, man. Mozzarella, provolone, heck use multiple cheeses! Add some arugula, salt and pepper, maybe even some hot sauce on top.
- Put the other piece of bread on, flip it over.
You’ve just made a wonderful sandwich for less than a dollar, and you’re not embarrassed at all.
I promise you none of the above is difficult. It tastes great and it is extremely cheap to do. You can do it for a girl and it’ll both look like you cared, but also didn’t try too hard like some douche who made pork chops and wrapped everything in bacon only to find out the girl is a vegetarian and a lesbian. So inconvenient.
