With the summer coming to an abrupt close, many of us can’t help but think the following:
• I anticipated more sex
• Summers without a Harry Potter movie don’t make sense to me (refer to the above)
• I can’t fucking wait to go to Costco
The weeks before heading back to school can be a very exciting time, granted you’ve made a few dollars slaving at your internship, or you’re a ZBT and you finally landed yourself a decent frat house.
Anyways, if she hasn’t already, there is a moment when your mom is going to ask you if you need anything for school. Instead of getting angry when she brings home Head and Shoulders new 8 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent, mayonnaise, lube, cream cheese, toothpaste and glue, compile yourself a nice list and be prepared for once in your life. Might I help?
1. Febreeze Noticables
This shit literally plugs into an outlet and you don’t do shit. Motion sensor, timer, I have no fucking idea but it just sprays that shit whenever you need it. You’ll be watching your roommate use his Febreeze spray, whining cause it’s getting in his eye, meanwhile you’re like “that’s what you get for spraying it into your fan”, but you ain’t even got time for that. By your second or third package you’ll be timing your farts with each release of piquant scent. Extremely gratifying. Each lasts about a month and will have your room feeling rich and sumptuous.
2. Large quantities of wine
Your place should be stocked with wine at all times. It doesn’t need to be delicious, you don’t need to add the words body or aroma to your vocabulary, just pop it open and drink it. When you get a text saying “hey, super tired can we just hangout and drink wine?” you should be all like “FUCKWITHMEYOUKNOWIGOTIT” and hopefully she will text you back confirming arrival.
Via: blogdailyherald.com
3. A Sex Playlist
This is not that hard. Almost anything works as long as it has a heavy bass and is loud enough so your roommates don’t hear her sounds of displeasure. Some suggestions:
• Tell Me Do You Wanna – Ginuwine
• Hold On We’re Going Home – Drake
• Waiting all night – Rudimental
• White Noise – Disclosure
• I Belong To You – Lenny Kravitz (idk prob not)
If you choke just put “So Far Gone” on shuffle. You’ll last 45 seconds.
4. A Pair of Crappy Shoes
Between the packed venues, the strange weather and old floors at Balls, you need a pair of white Converse or cheap shoes so you don’t cry when your suede starts actually looking like old balls. If you don’t want to hop on the Converse wagon, check out Keds, Vans or Radii, but for the love of god, no Sperrys.
5. An iPhone Running Band
It straps around your arm. Stop looking like an idiot holding your iPhone getting it all sweaty and gross, it’s the 21st century. If you’re not going to buy this at least get a pledge to hold it for you while you run. #handsfree #baller
I use the tuneband, it’s about $20 on Amazon. While we’re here, definitely invest in Amazon prime, click to order is also a mad fun option if you want credit card debt.
We don’t have too many years left of our parents supporting us, so give her a list, put condoms on it, put a gun on it, so what, just finish eating your frozen pizza and help her in with the bags when she comes home.
