Ask me about Miles Davis. I might not know how to analyze a financial statement or appropriately ask for a raise, but at least I can list the greats of the Bebop Era and their corresponding instruments. Thank you History of Jazz. Mortgages and interview tactics aren’t really my cup of tea, but thank GOD I possess full competence of the inner-workings of a tuba. Success might be measured by a lot of things, but I’m almost positive that smooth jazz trivia isn’t one of them.
Don’t get me wrong, I love an easy A as much as the next Lochte, but sometimes I doubt my ability to function past the age of 21. It’s an alarming reality that my biggest woes will soon shift from standing in line at Dog to paying those demonic bill things I’ve heard so much about. I want to, nay, need to develop some sort of assurance that I won’t drop dead to the real world the second after I turn my tassel.
Teach me how to balance my checkbook. Teach me how to pay back a loan. It’s astounding to me that there are thousands of students walking around that have absolutely no idea what platform they were supporting when they Christmas-treed their ballots in the last election. Meanwhile, 1,500 freshmen are being held captive in Little Hall until administration decides that they have stayed off of Instagram long enough to comprehend what the “good life” constitutes. Props for attempting to create an entire student body of transcendentalist Buddhas, I guess.
So here it is: My fictitious list of things you could (and probably should) be learning in your gen-eds outside of which dinosaurs ate what and why Pluto isn’t a planet anymore.
IRS1000 – Taxes and You
If you’re an American, you like America and you plan on staying in America sans orange jumpsuit and handcuffs, you should probably learn how to do these. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they aren’t going anywhere. That being said, I for one consider myself somewhat of a Lloyd Christmas when it comes to finances and wish that my stupidity could be alleviated through education. Eventually you will be forced to navigate the wonderful world of taxation, but I’m getting old over here and plan on making mad moolah at some point, so it would be nice to know sooner rather than later.
AWE2410 – Making People Like You 101
I’ve hounded on the importance of networking before and by God I’ll do it again. The best way gain prosperity isn’t by make friends with your computer screen or by Regina George-ing your way through life. Be a mean girl in the business world and all you’ll have in the end is a burn book full of lies and possible dismemberment from getting hit by a bus. I wish extroversion came naturally to everyone, but damn there are some anti-social misfits and she-devils out there. Classes could help. Just sayin’.
BYE1105 – How to Avoid People
In a casual turn of events, I often wish I knew how to do the opposite of tip #2. I’ve been in New York for nearly three months and still risk getting to work late because I’m patronizing the poor schmuck in Times Square who’s begging me to attend his comedy show. That’s right; I’m the person who will answer a twenty-minute telephone survey because I feel bad for hanging up. I’m completely aware that I’ve wasted a lot of time in doing so. I guess this one is a personal issue, but hey, I could really use some help in avoiding a flyer to the face in Turlington.
BLA1400 – Sounding Like You’re Knowledgeable
I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve been on. Okay, yes I can. On one hand. Not the point. Anyway, my biggest pet peeve is conversing about a topic that I have next to no insight about. Like I said, Miles Davis? Thanks to my UF tracking record, I could rattle your ear off. Major League Baseball? Sci-fi flicks? Not so much. I don’t need the actual knowledge. Perhaps a list of key terms would suffice to get me through the conversation. Some sort of vague vocabulary to make me seem educated on the premise of Fantasy Football is all I’m asking for. Good thing my relationship priorities seem to be in order.
NOM3000 – Making Something other than Ramen
Feeding yourself is an essential capability for survival, as demonstrated by the Irish Potato Famine and by the broke college student. I happen to be a self-proclaimed foodie, but sympathize for my inferiors. What can I say? I’m a woman of the people. You can only order so many midnight cookies and Tijuana queso before your body craves the simplicity of a home-cooked meal. I honestly think that cooking is a valuable artistry for life, even for those who are concerned with things other than getting their MRS degree.
Perhaps one day, college campuses will demand my expert opinion on the current state of the educational system. For now, I’m just going keep gabbing with telemarketers and relying on Google to get me through the day.
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