For those of us who didn’t feel like going on a cruise and wasting all that time and energy trying to hide alcohol in Listerine bottles, only to later find a note on your luggage saying:
We found it, all of it. Even the bottle of Baby Powder filled with Cocaine.
Many thanks!
Hector
Carnival Cruise Management
The options were to either sign your life away to X-treme trips where you would spend the entire first day waiting in line to get a wristband which allowed you access to absolutely nothing, or in other words, a Steve Aoki concert, or to get your broke ass a ride to Key West. If you did the latter this past week then you’re probably extremely good looking.
Perhaps the faciest Spring Break Key West has ever seen, the southern most point was filled with good people, good vibes and thankfully, no FSU students. Whether you had a room at the lovely Sheraton Suites on the beach, the Southern Most on Duval, or you were just one of those moochers that contributes nothing, drinks everything and is probably named Joey, you can agree that when bars close at 4am, shit pops off.
Even though every day was the same routine:
10am: Wake up to 15 texts from your roommate saying “Open the door asshole, I lost my key”
11am:Talk about getting food for two hours, give up, start drinking.
Noon: Get to the beach. Take selfies with mad hoes.
2pm: Flock to the water for a 3,000 person team piss.
4:30pm: Head back to the hotel, talk about eating something, begin drinking.
5pm: Throw-up in your suitcase.
…we made it happen.
If you didn’t have your head completely up your ass then you were at Ricks for Happy Hour 8-11. If you were like me, you would typically just manage to catch the last shuttle to Duval, get to the bar at 11:30 and do one of two things:
Point to the bartender and say to her, “babe, I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I can do with the rest”.
Proceed to not get served.
Or you can scarf down like ten $1 jello shots and then pretend you don’t speak English. I’ve mastered the phrase “el pirata robo mi leche con chocolate” which means “the pirate has stolen my chocolate milk.” This works because even if your bartender understands Spanish, you are still highly likely to get the shots for free.
The rest of the night is usually a blur, but I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, you’re writing an article on a Spring Break Recap, yet you were blacked out the entire time?
Well, yes.
After Rick’s starts to die down a little, and by that I mean the girl I’m talking to gets swooped by a guy in croakies, you can hit Fat Tuesdays, the strip club, or get weird and go to the karaoke bar right next door.
I recommend that.
There is nothing better than watching your boy go up on the stage solo to sing “Maria Maria” by Carlos Santana, and right before the first words come up on the screen, he glances at you with a look in his eyes that says “I thought I was more drunk”. I chose to sing “Quit playing games with my heart” with my Asian friend Matt. Haha, yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I did not get laid. I blame Matt.
The days preceding your Key West trip consist of intense emotional repair. Whether it is self-discovery via hours and hours of Nickelback or, you know, whatever you need to give you that boost.
Good luck to all of those who went with me on a full and speedy recovery, see you guys at Spank Thursdays.
