If you’re one of those assholes who still believes global warming is one giant conspiracy, well, congrats on being an asshole…and probably a Republican.
While you’re too busy shining up your “Choose Life” license plate, scientific evidence is piling up, global climates are rising, the polar ice caps are melting and adorable polar bears are drowning.
Liberals, you are not off the hook either. Just because you’ve smoked weed out of an apple, worn a maxi skirt or Instagrammed a nature trail, doesn’t mean you care about the environment.
If you’d prefer your children not to have to leave the house in a specially designed jumpsuit that allows their skin to withstand the heat and their lungs to withstand the air, it’s time to actually consider what can be done to help reduce your big, bad carbon footprint.
It’s noble to want to “Save the Earth” but if we’re being realistic, the earth will survive. It will just become inhospitable for life as we know it. Save yourselves, people.
Although the incredibly obvious solution to the billions of tons of CO2 we are belching into the atmosphere is to switch from fossil fuels to solar and wind power, many greedy douchebags in power find money more important than generations to come.
So, my friends, it is up to us. Every single one of us needs to start acknowledging this as a real problem and do what we can do solve it.
Every few weeks GainesvilleScene will give you some real ways you can help our Earth chill the fuck out. It’s your job to get at least one of these done before the next post so we can genuinely affect some change (and so Al Gore doesn’t have to come to your house to bitch slap you).
Light it Up, Mayne
Scurry around your house or apartment and find the five lights you use the most.
Kindly untwist the old-school Edison bulbs and let me upgrade ya. Replace them with energy saving light bulbs (the swirly looking ones). They generate 75 percent less heat, use about 75 percent less energy than standard lighting and last from 10 to 50 times longer.
Bonus: you’ll save an average of 70 dollars a year on your energy bills. That’s a one-day ticket to most major music festivals, homies.
Stop Driving like a Dick
Stop slamming the brakes and accelerator; not only does it make everyone on the road hate you, it’s also terrible for your gas mileage. Use cruise control if you have it and operate in two-wheel drive mode whenever possible.
While you’re at it, reduce your time spent idling. Yes, that means roll the windows down and turn off the engine while you’re waiting in the car. Yes, it’s hot outside, but it will be quite a bit hotter in the future if you don’t suck it up and sweat for a few minutes now.
Also, unload all the unnecessary shit in your trunk to reduce the weight. Whether it’s golf clubs, guitars or dead bodies, the added pounds could be reducing your MPG by up to two (this affects smaller vehicles more than larger ones).
