Ah! Spring time! We can actually enjoy the outdoors without running inside because it’s freezing or because it’s so humid you might as well be walking in a swimming pool. Spring also means St. Patrick’s Day and Easter, but before the Easter bunny takes the teeth from under our pillow, or whatever he does, is a week and a day Jews dread all year long: Passover.
For those of you who are not Jewish, from South Florida or have not seen the Rugrats, Passover is the holiday where, for eight days, Jews don’t eat any grain products other than unleavened bread i.e. matzah, which is basically a giant cracker with the flavor of cardboard. Yum. We deny ourselves all bread and wheat products to both remember that we were once slaves in Egypt and to celebrate the fact that we are not slaves anymore. Yes, it’s a great, ancient holiday, but it’s a pain in college. At home it’s easy when your mom just made your sandwich on matzah, but when we’re off on our own, it seems like it’s not even worth trying after the Seder.
The rules of Passover are more complicated than the tax code, and even though it’s the most practiced Jewish tradition, people spend a lot of time and money figuring out how to do it “right.” But like any holiday, it’s the thought and the attempt that counts, which is why I’m simplifying the holiday by answering the Four Questions of Passover in college (see what I did there?), so mah nishtanah all your ha-laylah ha-zeh’s.
What can I eat?
Real food. No, you can’t eat any wheat products other than matzah, and a lot of “experts” extend those rules to beans and other grains like rice and corn, but everything else is good. Salad is always a safe bet, and meat and potatoes is a no-brainer. There are a lot of sexy Passover recipes out on the Interwebs, so do some poking around and get creative. Also, two #protips: Matzah is gross, but, like everything, put some Nutella on it and it tastes like happy. Second, matzah pizza is a classic go-to. Subway even stole it with that meshugah Flatizza. Get yourself some good marinara and fresh mozzarella. It’s a holiday, so splurge for the good stuff.
Where can I eat?
You can be one-hundred percent confident that no restaurants in Gainesville offer Passover menus, but that doesn’t mean you can’t eat out. Avoid restaurants where you know you’re gonna have to order bread or pasta. You can get meat or fish and potatoes and it’s all good. Salad with no croutons is also a safe option, but does anyone really like salad? Really? (No.) Unfortunately you are gonna have to give up Pizza by the Slice for a week, but you can still get burger without a bun at Relish, or even plantains at Flaco’s. (If you haven’t had plantains after 2 a.m., you are about to have your life changed.)
What can I drink?
Well, sir or madam, since you can’t eat grain products, that means you also can’t drink them, which means a lot of alcohol is off limits. Beer? No. Whiskey? No. Vodka? Not unless you know it’s potato. This leaves wine (Manischewitz up in dis!), rum and tequila. There are fancier options out there, but when all your friends decided they’re feelin’ right and going to ladies’ night, you’re gonna have to drink within the limits of Midtown. Most bars in Gainesville also carry amaretto, almond liqeur. Order an amaretto sour (amaretto and lemonade), it kind of tastes like almond cookies. Drinking just wine and hard liquor for eight days sounds like shambles waiting to happen, but that’s part of the holiday. Passover is about celebrating our freedom, so celebrate, damn it.
Why should I put myself through this?
Mostly because ya mothah said so, but also because it’s a community thing. Every year Jews around the world celebrate their history by eating stupid matzah to recognize that we weren’t always free and to realize how lucky we are today. Passover is full of tradition, and just like sitting though a boring Seder, eating matzah and trying to figure out why there are bones on the table, getting belligerently drunk with your closest friends and complaining for a week about how you just want one slice of pizza is just as much part of that tradition.
So whip out your Mazel Tov Bitches glass from Urban Outfitters (we all have it), fill it to the top with the cheapest raspberry Manischewitz you can find and have a chag pesach sameach.
