Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Dylan Polacek, a junior finance student at the University of Florida. Read more from Polacek at his blog The GrapeVinyl.
“I am friendly and have nice manners,” he said. “I enjoy spending time with friends, listening to music and writing about unimportant things.”
The library can be a hectic place for a student. With the stress of exams, boredom of writing papers, and the uncomfortable amount of sleeping Asians, you need an escape. Just a little break from reality.
A getaway from the chaos of life, where you can just sit down and be yourself. Well, this might sound crazy, but go ahead and treat yourself to a nice bathroom break.
Chances are, you probably won’t be using the toilet for what it was made for.
You go to the bathroom, lock yourself in the handicapped stall, pull down your pants, and whip out your iPhone. You may or may not pop out a little mud monkey, but that doesn’t matter. You’re really just there to mindlessly stare at your phone. It’s definitely what I do at least. I’ll send some risqué Snapchats, double-tap an Instagram pic or two, and scroll through profile pictures until I feel like I have used up the believable amount of poop-time. And don’t act like you’re surprised. This is the 21st century. We need to stay glued to our phones at all times. What if I get a text from UFPD warning me about a suspicious male wearing a white shirt in the tunnel under 13th? That can’t wait.
The saddest part of this scenario is that it’s just one of the many excuses to check your phone. Even walking back to your table, you might whip it out again to avoid making awkward eye contact with that strange girl with the under bite. It happens all the time, and you usually don’t even realize it. An inMobi survey last year reported that of the 9 hours we spend on the web daily, 26% is on our mobile device. That’s almost 3 hours I could have spent at the gym chiseling my already flawless body, or maybe becoming a Ping-Pong master while recording my debut album. Or maybe even spend that time raising money for the kids. I don’t know which kids, though. Maybe kids in Africa or kids with Diabetes. I haven’t decided yet. But still, it’ll be for the kids, and I’m wasting that time staring at the screen.
So how can we get that lost percentage of our lives back? A time machine to the 90’s wouldn’t work because our generation is probably too difficult to talk to in the pre-iPhone era. And deleting your Facebook and Instagram will just put you out of the gossip loop like an antisocial boner. Or maybe, imagine a world without any of that. Where you couldn’t escape by pulling out your phone. You would be forced to interact with new people, and if you’re lucky, make some friends. Maybe there would be fewer boners.
While that may sound nice, it’s not the case and most likely never will be. We all have Internet. We all have a phone. We all sit on the toilet and drain our brains, pretending to poop. It’s sad, but at least I’ll never lose that warm feeling I get when someone likes my status. Or the adrenaline rush from finding the perfect filter for the Instagram I took of my friend’s puppy. I live for that.
What I’m basically saying is put down your phone. Get out there; go play outside. Throw the ball around or something. Then, when you’re done with all that, go back to your phone and follow me on Instagram.
@polacek
Image courtesy of bathroommonkeys.com
