25 Requirements for Dating Me

My biological clock is ticking, fellas. Every day that I don’t give birth to something is one more day my primal purpose in this world clearly goes unfulfilled. It’s also one more reason for me to loathe a certain 6-8 day span of time every month. Author’s note:  if you’re not into TMI, you should probably stop following my stream of consciousness here on GainesvilleScene.

The female condition is a stressful one, especially for us lady Gators, who find some pee-ridden kiddie pools more enticing than the actual dating pool here in Gainesville. I’ve done (bossed) the single thing for a while now. So much so, I’m considering making a full-time commitment  to myself and permanently playing the field like an MVP. Plus, anniversaries are overwhelming, and Valentine’s Day blows.

 

However, in an effort to open my mind and romantic interests to the grand scheme, I figured it’s probably a good idea for me to make a basic rubric for what I would wish for in a gentleman caller. This is all pending some major life changes, should the day come when I make the conscious decision to take myself off the market, roll down my knitted knee socks and show some serious skin. Scandalous!

Here goes nothing.

 

Being Literate

Ain’t nobody got time for Hooked on Phonics. I’m studying public relations, not elementary education. Come on, now.

Not Making Children Cry

Kids have this eerily accurate bullshit radar. I used to let my adorable baby cousins judge the character of my ex-boyfriends. Most of the time, they’re right, and at the very least, they can tell if you have cooties, which is enough of a turn-off for this girl. Everyone knows it’s the same as herpes, except with some level of inappropriate childlike  wonder.

Not Already Having Children

I feel like I’m not asking much here.

Knows a Good Beer When He Sees One

Man, I love beer. I would have beer for breakfast if it wasn’t second to my love for coffee, or if society didn’t judge me for it. My girlfriends order mimosas at brunch while I gain the respect and street cred of the waiter by asking him what’s on tap at 11AM. Steer clear of Rolling Rock and PBR. Consume plenty of Yuengling, Shock Top and Blue Moon. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. I can feel myself blushing already.

Can Finish A Large Pizza With Me in Record Time

I don’t play when it comes to pizza. I will shamelessly and single-handedly polish off five slices from Big Lou’s in no time. There is only 1 true way to eat pizza and it’s 2fast2furious. I am Italian, therefore what I have to say on this subject matter is law.

Likes Adele and Beyonce (Or at least pretends)

You don’t want your own wedding party hating you if this gets serious someday. DO YOU?

Doesn’t Sleep on Embarrassing Bed Sheets

Take this as you may, but I will run – and fast – out of your apartment if you and Captain America still bunk together every night. That’s weird. If you have younger siblings, be a good older brother and pass on some hand-me-downs or something. You’ll feel better about your character, and you’ll probably avoid as many hit-and-runs, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Loves His Mama, Respects His Papa, Calls His Grandmother

Three  most important people in my life. Should be the three most important in yours. Your mom changed your diapers and taught you how to dress yourself, even though you didn’t take  any of her advice, and she did all this with a smile on her face. Your dad probably had to teach you to shave and maybe even bought you your first pack of condoms. As for your grandmother, she knows all your dirty secrets, even the ones you don’t know yourself.

In all seriousness, these are the people who really matter. Family first.

 Does Not Write/Read Poetry

It’s always very awkward, unless it’s Shel Silverstein or Dr.Seuss. I don’t want you knowing that much about flowers, and don’t kill the mood by telling me about your dead dreams.

Wears a Good Cologne

Avoid Axe at all costs. I feel like this is a general life rule. If your cologne can clear a room of people or kill a libido, you’re not setting yourself up for success.

Has Good Music Taste

Get the fuck out of my life if you ever even considered going to a Nickelback, Hoobastank or Bieber concert. If you have anything Lana Del Rey on your iTunes, I need you to go run in to oncoming traffic.

Spel Gudh an StuFz

I swear, it’s not that hard. Most of these contractions and prepositions are, quite literally, everywhere. If you were using your time wisely, you could be studying every waking second of your life and not looking like an ass in all forms of written communication.

 

Does Not Spoil Endings to Things

I cannot be associated with the one guy no one wants to talk to about Game of Thrones, Walking Dead and Workaholics. Spoilers are basically illegal somewhere.

Uses Snapchat

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.

Does Not Use Bank of America

This never ends well, and I like Wells Fargo.

Plays a Sport

It could be synchronized swimming, it could be lacrosse, or it could be professional tackle football. I don’t care. I like them athletic. As long as it’s not golf, it’s fine. I’m more than willing to be your cheerleader, but you gotta give me a game that won’t put me to sleep on the sidelines. (Does golf even have ‘sidelines’? Case in point).

Plays for Team Aniston

Don’t ever support a woman (Angelina Jolie for those who live under rocks) who kills marriages, uses that much Botox or gets that dangerously close to her trailer-trash brother. Jennifer Aniston was on FRIENDS, people. Also, she is irresistible and classy, therefore she’s good at multi-tasking, therefore she wins. It’s science, and you know it.

Lets Me Win in Mario Kart

This is key. I love this game, and I still proudly own and operate a Nintendo 64 when I’m home. I will be a very sore loser if my trek in Bowser’s Castle goes awry, and I will not hesitate hurting you IRL if you catapult a mushroom shell at me in the digital world.  I’m theoretically operating a vehicle. That’s reckless. Look at your life, look at your choices.

Knows How to Do Laundry (And Does It)

I already hate doing mine. It’s my most-hated chore. I’ve tested the patience of so many Laundromats in my day, and I can’t even keep up with my own weekly wardrobe. Get it together. You’re in college.

Prefers Boxers Over Tightie-Whities

Briefs hug and hang in weird places. Fruit of the Loom has it all wrong. Boxers I can borrow from you guilt-free. Briefs, I can technically borrow guilt-free, but you’ll probably break up with me if you catch me doing it.

Dresses Up in a Tie At Least Once a Week

I love formal wear on everyone. Nothing makes me more smitten than a crisp dress shirt and cool tie.  If Godzilla rocked a decent suit from Men’s Warehouse once in a while, I’d probably consider tapping that. It’s a stretch, but not too far from the truth. Sadly.

Re-activates Neopets Account

Even if you didn’t use this website as a kid, I need you to go create an account by our one-month so we can pretend we had similar childhoods. I’m all about dating someone with similar values. I might make exceptions if you played The Sims, Rollercoaster Tycoon or owned a minimum of three Tamogatchis and hung them off of a bike chain attached to your jeans.

Uses The Correct Version of My Name

Brittany can apparently be spelled in a lot of different, unnecessary ways. Fun fact:  mine is the right way to do it. I’ve seen Britney, Britnee, Britknee (not kidding), Brittney – and a bunch of other ugly variations. It’s Brittany. It’s B-R-I-double T-a-n-y, and it’s classic.

Remains Calm When I Talk About Tampons

Relax. They’re normal. I’ve had boyfriends convulse at the sight of unused pads, and that’s weirder than even the worse things they could have imagined I was doing with these gadgets. Parents have failed generation after generation when they never included feminine hygiene products in their Birds and Bees talks, so I don’t blame you for being unprepared. Just think – the world would be a lot, err, worse, without these things, so there’s actually a lot to thank Tampax for. You’re also a man, so if you get scared by a toiletry, I’ve got to reassess the gender roles in our little situation.

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