Ah, sweet Valentine’s Day! The annual holiday marked by chocolate, kisses and emotional binge eating. Whether you’re single and ready to mingle or a serial monogamist, GainesvilleScene has put together the perfect guide to get you in the mood for l-o-v-e.
Disclaimer: GainesvileScene is not responsible for any injury, emotional hardship or ruined relationships resulting from the following advice.
Pour your lady a glass of chilled Four Loko on your romantic picnic in the park. It pairs well with aged gouda Pokey Sticks.
Be sure to make reservations at Cafe Risque at least four days in advance.
February 14 also commemorates Oregon’s official statehood, and nothing says “I love you” like a mug with the Oregon state emblem 
To get ready for the special night, be sure to tame your body hair. Either 1) Nair from the neck down 2) Shave your chest hair into a heart to show your lady how romantic you can be or 3) bathe in Boston Market’s mac ‘n’ cheese — it makes for the perfect base cream to shave your legs and underarms.
Sit in a dark room with no Valentine, no friends and a minimum of seven cats. Embrace the inevitable future that is yours.
Valentine’s Day, which falls on a Saturday this year, does not take precedence over the Sabbath. (You may celebrate at sundown.)
Stock up on Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms. Nothing says romance like a yeast infection.
Carry around large pieces of numbered cardboard with you all day long. After she/he does anything and everything, hold up a cardboard piece indicating what she/he scored, ranging from 1 to 10, according to you, the ultimate arbiter of love and Valentine’s Day.
For all those committed lovers out there, head over to Twisted Ink on this special day. 10 percent off on all matching tats.
Ask another couple if they want to try swinging. The 1970s are back, ya know.
Give your significant other a list of things you think they can improve upon. “New year, new you,” amirite?
Instead of a boring Hallmark card, give your honey a collage made up of photos of all your ex’s. On top, write, “I love you (more than I loved them)” Later that night, accidentally call him/her by the wrong name during sex. Nothing spices things up quite like emotional abuse!
Get your man’s name vajazzled. Jennifer Love Hewitt does it.
Text every person you’ve ever made out with and say “Happy Valentine’s Day” with one too many exclamation points.
Get your nipples pierced, together. (Side note: This illustrates the importance of proper comma usage.)
Make a reservation at the Melting Pot for two: you and your vibrator. Make a scene when a waiter frantically asks you to leave because, “Ma’am, your moaning is making our other patrons uncomfortable.” IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF, WHO WILL?!
Go see “50 Shades of Grey” with your mom and dad.
Go on an archeological dig in the Reitz construction.
Brush up on your Photoshop skills and make a scrapbook of photos that show what your children would look like. Your babe will so appreciate your hard work and arts & crafts acumen!
Stand outside Broward and wait for a nice freshman to let you in and use his room to relive your youth.
Definitely spend the day sober, especially if you’re single.
Definitely spend the day blacked out, especially if you’re in a loveless relationship you just can’t seem to find a way out of!!!
If she doesn’t seem like the typical, romantic, girly-type, just assume she doesn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s Day and ignore the holiday completely!
