Everybody loves mini shit. Mini M&M’s? Better than the regular ones. Mini cupcakes? You can eat 10 and still scarf down some more. Mini golf? Who the fuck needs Rory McIlroy?
There is one mini-iteration that has stood the test of time as one of the premier forms of entertainment. A sort of mini theater, if you will. No, I am not talking about small off-off-off-Broadway plays in some dark basement with twelve folding chairs and some woman crying about how her nipples remind her of her ex-boyfriend who hated “Grey’s Anatomy.” Nor am I talking about a childhood play where all the kids dress up like elves and sing Christmas carols, except the six kids in the class who have to tell the cafeteria full of parents about how the oil lasted for eight days and then sing about that little dreidel.
I am talking about a form of theater that has lived in American culture for nearly a century. Few art-forms have stood the test of time as well as this mini-stage performance with little change. Film, painting, drawing, extreme cake-decorating have all changed drastically with the times and technology. This, however, has not.
Midget wrestling.
Via: Marlee Taylor
Midgets who wrestle. Yes, the midget wrestlers of “Hulk Hogan’s Micro Wrestling Championship: The Greatest Little Show on Earth” battled it out at High Dive Wednesday night on the Gainesville stop of their tour.
DISCLAIMER: No midgets were harmed or exploited against their will. They are all paid professional “athletes” who know what this event is. Some midgets were offended, but not because of remarks about their size.
The show was supposed to start at 9 p.m., but didn’t get going until about 9:30, which prompted the crowd of wasted bros and “Portlandia”-style hipsters to chant “WE WANT MIDGETS. WE WANT MIDGETS,” which was only the beginning of the crowd shouting things that would be considered appalling in any other setting.
Host (and, apparently, booking agent) Johnny G started the show with a salute to the troops because without them, there would be no midget wrestling. Yeah, never really thought of it that way, but sure. ‘Murica.
Enough with the average-sized people. Finally, he started introducing the midgets.
First, was the villain of the night. I think his name was Blixx or something like that. (Johnny G’s angry, raspy pack-a-day screaming wasn’t the easiest to understand.) Blixx’s sole purpose was to be hated. He insulted the crowd, Gainesville, Gators and even the DJ. Blixx was by far the creepiest midget of the night. Blixx looks like a tiny little Marylin Manson impersonator, and a little demon running around hating on the world would make anyone uncomfortable. He just kept pissing off the crowd, so naturally they fought back with “FUCK THAT BABY” and, my personal favorite of the night, “GET IN MY BELLY.”
Via: Metacafe
The rest of the wrestlers were then introduced. There was the Cowboy, a tiny little Texan who bounced around with his cowboy hat and American flag, Bulldog, who looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter with a Mohawk. Huggy Cub was the littlest pimp in the game, and the Mini Sheik, an offensively generalized terrorist sporting his keffiyeh, Iraqi flag and genie pants. The Mini Sheik was obviously not of Middle Eastern heritage and he towered over the other midgets. Best put by one of the lively drunkards in the crowd, “THAT’S JUST A SHORT PUERTO RICAN.”
Then Johnny G introduced the wrestling babe of the show, Lindsay. Lindsay was your typical, hot-blond WWE babe, just half the size. Obviously, you can’t put a girl in front of a bunch of drunken 20-year old guys at an event like this and not expect everyone to shout “SHOW YOUR TITS.” Blixx wasn’t happy with that, you could see him actually get upset, but joke’s on him because when she actually got in the ring, her shirt went up and her bra went down. We all got to see some boobies.
There was no real rhyme or reason to any of the battles. The overly rehearsed action was exactly what you’d expect from an event with Hulk Hogan’s name, but not his presence. The fights were hilarious, and they looked like they actually really hurt. It felt like one of those underground midget wrestling matches you see on “Boardwalk Empire.”
The crowd at High Dive wasn’t that big, but because you really couldn’t see the fighters over the fence they set up, everyone packed in tight around the ring, so you could imagine the sweat and the smells.
After three seemingly arbitrary match-ups, the final battle was a total melee of all six midget wrestlers. Unfortunately, Blixx was declared the champion, which was bullshit. He’s the villain. Huggy Cub should’ve won. I demand a rematch.
It’s easy to hear “midget wrestling” and immediately get offended, but you can see these guys love what they do. They’ve embraced their height and are capitalizing on it. They’re funny in their own right and they know their height makes them an entertainment novelty. I went in having zero expectations, having only my small knowledge of professional wrestling to go off of. In all honesty, it’s exactly that: professional wrestling, just mini, and like I said, everything is better mini.
Feature photo courtesy of: Extreme Midget Wrestling
