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So you just broke up with your girlfriend and, naturally, your boys have inherited the pleasurable task of getting you laid before you’ve been summoned by the demons of rejection and are forced to mull over the fact that your ex is on a coldblooded mission to conquer anything and everything within a 20 mile radius. While this is not how every trip to Tallahassee begins, it should be.
A weekend getaway might imply that the intention is to “get away” from the usual routine of well alcohol, “Drunk in Love” remixes and piercing tummy aches, but you’d be silly to expect anything different in Tally. The truth is, their shittiest Wednesday would blow our most memorable Friday out of the fucking Swamp. Tally is the most tremendous of mental institutions, just without the straitjackets and is guaranteed to give you one of the best weekends of your semester.
If you’ve been to Tally before, much of the following list will be familiar to you. But that’s because these are the places that make Tally, Tally. You’re a silly bitch if you think I’m going to suggest you check out a vegan restaurant with an exciting new tempeh inspired beer. There will be no Bon Iver on this trip.
Departure
Please begin by uncomfortably squeezing 5 people in your boy’s coupe, with plenty of time to spare before happy hour begins. On the way, you are going to stop at the nearest gas station. You’re going to tell your passive aggressive friend, whose only form of currency is a BP Gas Card, which he is only supposed to use for gas, to buy several Four Lokos and the largest bottle of wine (twist off top) he can find. You will not consume these beverages during the duration of the car ride because that is both illegal and highly dangerous.
Via: quakercampus.com
Quick shout out to the law.
Arrival: 5 p.m.
Happy Hour
You have two choices for happy hour: Potbelly’s (Pots) or The Standard. Pots happy hour starts early as a muhfuga. With an outdoor bar, it’s perfect for soaking in some rays and enjoying pretty cheap pitchers.
After you’ve gotten a taste of Pots, head over to The Standard. It’s a nice change of scenery and gets real rowdy. Very nice opportunity for OTPHJs. Can’t ask for much more before 7 p.m.
Dinner
If you’re not completely obliterated yet:
101 Restaurant
$11-$30
Conveniently located pretty close to Standard, so once you close your tab and generously tip your bartender (quick shoutout to Jaskot), head over with the boys and maybe order one of the 2,000 available appetizers or just stick with the Buffalo Chicken Pizza.
Via: facebook.com
Madison Social
$11-$30
From pulled pork sandwiches to Italian sausage, they gotchu. If you ain’t hungry, very spacious stalls to get your puke on. Just kidding…but not really.
Friday Nightlife
Friday night you’re going to Recess or Bajas, just go with the flow. I recommend pregaming very hard, because there will be lines and you will hate it if you’re in any state of mind to realize it. This is also a great opportunity for an OTPHJ if your line game is on point or if you’re wearing a Pike polo. I highly recommend borrowing someone’s Pike polo. If you don’t get your ass beat for being a poser, you’ll probably have a wildly successful night.
Saturday Breakfast
The Bada Bean
Under $10
Eggs benedict, bagels, strawberry banana pancakes, I don’t get it but I’m gonna eat it. Place is straight fuego for a great price.
Brooklyn Water Bagels
Under $10
Pretty good egg sandwiches or you can go lox and bagels if you’re into that, but food aside, a facey ass place to go after not getting laid Friday night. Large sunglasses and breasts will be out and bouncing around. Tally is tight.
Via: yelp.com
Saturday Lunch
Gordos
Under $10
Just plain awesome Cuban food. I’d say it’s pretty similar to Mi Apa with a more exciting menu, and you can chill and have some beers if you want. Your Saturday night is going to be ridiculous so just shush and enjoy a meal with your best friends.
Saturday Night
Since you already did Recess, it’s time to pound half a bottle of Tums or Fireball, whichever you prefer, and head to Coliseum. This place is pretty outrageous, and I honestly don’t even know if it is fun or not. Last time I almost got kicked out for trying to give the bouncers too many high-fives. I guess I was having a good time.
Culture Your Fucking Self
Maclay Gardens
I totally fucked in that garden, it was very beautiful!
Via: fineartamerica.com
Sunday Brunch
We’re almost done, I promise.
Prime Time
$11-$30
What better way to end your weekend than with chicken & waffles and mimosas? While they don’t serve chlamydia at Prime Time, if you’ve seriously used this as your guide, congratulations!
But seriously, the food is great and it’s a sweet spot to bid farewell to the dumbest weekend ever.
Not feelin’ Tally? Check out our Weekend Getaway Guides for Tampa, Miami, Tallahassee, Boca Raton, St. Petersburg, Jacksonville and St. Augustine.
