Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: Oath Keepers
Via: NY Mag
The asshole for this week is in fact a huge group of assholes. Like actually.
Remember Ferguson, the racially tense and really uncomfortable town of Missouri where all those riots went down just a few months ago and the place is still a hotbed of social injustice and unrest? Why yes, of course you remember that place.
Yeah, well, four white guys with assault rifles are now patrolling the streets of said town and they call themselves the Oath Keepers. These guys are former soldiers and their motto is to “enforce the constitution,” whatever that vague and threatening sentence means.
Thankfully, though, everybody who’s not an OKis not OK with these meathead bozos strutting around looking like “Gears of War.” The St. Louis County police chief has even condemned their presence and the Southern Poverty Law Center said, “What are you doing?”
I mean how in their right minds could they have thought that this was a chill idea? When they were asked, the leader said his name was “John” and that they were there to protect a journalist for Infowars.com. And I don’t know if you know anything about Infowars.com but let me just say that its tagline is “There’s a war on for your mind” and that the head of the site, Alex Jones, recently uploaded a 30 minute video explaining why the Pope is actually Satan.
Yeah folks. Guys like that are funding soldiers of fortune to stroll through the streets of Ferguson.
These guys are the indeed the absolute worst. I bet they’re the type that went to see “American Sniper” dressed as the American sniper, doning the good ol’ boy baseball caps with the sunglasses on the bill and Salt Life T-shirts. These were the guys that saw it every weekend and cried more than their girlfriends did with “The Notebook.”
Like give me an actual break.
These were the guys that were told saying “sorry” is a sign of weakness. And when they were lonely at home because their drunk dad was out fucking a truck, they just passed the time by shooting pigeons and stuff.
How is this still a breed of people? How, as a society, have we not naturally selected them out of our DNA? People actually sleep with these guys. It’s hard for the girls to, though, because they have to climb up into the biggest pickup truck they’ve ever laid eyes on before getting any action whatsoever.
Why is it so big? Who the hell knows, but it’s obvious that he only drives it to his job at the deli every other weekend.
They’re just plain maniacs.
Hero: Zilch. Nada. Nothing.
Via: Oogee Woogee
I have nothing, guys. Nothing. We live in a godless world.
Atticus Finch is a racist now. Soldiers of fortune roam the streets. That movie “Pixels” came out. Even “True Detective” wasn’t that great.
It’s been a shit week to say the least.
I have nothing for you. You know what I laughed at the most this week? You wanna know what really made me happy? It was this gif of a bird and a cat:
Via: iFunny
It changed my day. So that bird is the hero.
No, actually the guy who made the gif is the hero. And if you don’t get the text, it’s the British version of a Navy Seal Copypasta. (You can read about that here.)
And wait a minute…a Navy Seal Copypasta about saying how trained you are to fight and kill a man in 700 different ways. That sort of relates to the Oath Keepers doesn’t it? Wait…do you think — no, there’s no way. Do you maybe think those Oath Keepers are just…are just…Copypasta boys?
Oh my fokn wot.
Featured photo courtesy of: Aljazeera America
