This is a guest post by Patrick Ryan. Patrick is a recent UF grad floundering in the purgatory between student and adulthood. For much shorter posts similar to this one, you can follow him on Twitter.
In a recent post on GainesvilleScene, titled “Are You a Gainesville Basic Bitch?,” the symptoms of basic bitch syndrome were, quite accurately, spelled out in detail. You know a Gainesville basic bitch when you see one—a misspelled name on her Starbucks iced caramel macchiato is Instagramed before taking her first sip, her every emotion can be summed up in “Mean Girls” gifs, and there are many days where she simply “can’t even.”
But basic bros are getting a pass while basic bitches are being shunned from bad bitch circles all across town. Frankly, I don’t think it’s fair. It’s sexist, really. So for the sake of gender equality, let me give you an easy set of identifiers for how you can tell if you yourself might be infected with Basic Bro Syndrome. Hopefully, with a little individuality and thinking for oneself, we can stop this epidemic in its Sperry-wielding tracks.
The first step towards recovery is acknowledging the problem.
So, are you a Gainesville Basic Bro?
1. If the sun is out, your guns, too, are out.
2. You only go to Cantina because “the bartenders are hot,” but other than that, you “don’t really like the vibe there.”
3. You love Reggae when you’re “in chill mode,” but EDM when it’s time to “turn up.”
Via: noisey.vice.com
4. You know almost nothing about politics but still think Mitt Romney is a “boss.”
5. You bragged about how good your fake ID is and then got it taken at Grog.
6. You loudly grunt at Southwest Rec while firing out your last couple reps on the bench. If everyone in the gym doesn’t know you’re there, what’s the point of being there?
7. You are fucking stoked for the “Entourage” movie to come out. You wouldn’t even be shocked if it took over “Wedding Crashers” as your favorite movie.
8. There’s a list on your phone of all the girls you’ve slept with, most of which have a “last name” that is either a midtown bar or a sorority—a few of them you’re not even sure about because you were blacked out, but you still include them to beef your number.
9. You drive a roughly 7-year-old BMW, Mercedes or Lexus that used to be your mom’s.
Via: en.wikipedia.org
10. You Instagram your fitness progress while you bulk up or cut down, depending on the season.
11. You use “retarded,” “faggot” and “gay” regularly in conversation. You’re also very conscious of assuring everyone that all of your actions are of the “no homo” variety.
12. You have a picture holding a fish on your Tinder.
13. You make sure everyone knows you’re a “tit guy” or an “ass guy” within the second time meeting them. You don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
14. You claim to have an older fraternity brother who can get everyone into Simon’s VIP for free, but you’ve never actually come through with that offer.
15. If your shirt isn’t Polo, it had fucking better be a tank. Unless it’s cold, then obviously a North Face. (But a quick look into your old Facebook pictures reveals that you wore nothing of the sort until coming to UF).
16. It’s on your college bucket list to hook up with a Dazzler.
Via: gamedayr.com
17. You have seriously considered becoming a DJ but have no other career aspirations. Why would you worry about career plans? Your fraternity brother’s dad owns a business and can get you a job if you need one.
18. You were an asshole to a bartender the entire night and then left her your phone number.
19. You think swag is a varying personal characteristic, and you’ve got a lot of it.
20. You sincerely care about how tan you are but act like it’s not that big of a deal.
21. Other than a few select bros, you mainly just follow models and Dan Bilzerian on Instagram.
Via: crunchsports.com
22. You refer to girls as “that (sorority name) bitch.”
23. You still think it’s bullshit that they took the crazy ingredients out of Four Loko.
24. You’ve got vape pen and ain’t afraid to use it.
25. You talk about freshman year summer B with an undeniable twinkle in your eye.
26. You’ve had the attractiveness of the Kardashian sisters ranked for a while but added in Kendall Jenner once she turned 18.
27. You think the seating in Library West should be organized by social status (i.e. facey, disgracey, bro, jabroni, etc.)
28. You hashtag every beer-drinking picture with #Merica “because ‘Merica.”
29. You’ve worn a bowtie to a Gator football game.
30. That year of junior varsity football was all you needed to know that you would be better than Jeff Driskel if you “felt like putting in the work.”
Featured photo courtesy of: preppyworld.com
