If you don’t know what string cheese is, then get a childhood. Haha just kidding.
But seriously.
The beloved cheesy snack may have been your elementary school buddy, but I urge you to rekindle your relationship. String cheese is a college student’s best friend.
First, let’s clear up any possible confusion. It’s a five inch long, cylindrical stick of cheese that can be peeled like a banana. They usually come in a package of five or more sticks and range in flavors, although the most common are mozzarella and cheddar. No one really buys the cheddar flavor by itself though, because it tastes like cheddar—and we all know that’s only good in small amounts on fried eggs. Basically, it’s a stick of cheese that you can eat. In fact, you can eat a shit ton of it, all without making a mess, having to clean up (or prepare) or feeling guilty about what you ate.
You see the other good thing about string cheese is that it doesn’t have any carbs.
NONE. Zippo. Zilch. Goose egg.
Not one little gram of carbohydrate to infiltrate your cells causing an insulin spike and/or leading to one (or many) of the following ailments:
- diabetes
- heart disease
- headache
- insulin resistance
- hypoglycemia
- being fat
Sure, all cheese is like this (a bunch of fat and protein), but no cheese is as fun, sexy and easy to use as string cheese is. Ever since the previous generation learned that the Atkins diet actually works when it comes to losing weight (probably better than any other diet around, except, well, anorexia) people have been loading up on protein-and-fat-rich foods like string cheese, and saying “Fuck you!” to carbs. (Now everyone’s all about the paleo diet, but we all know that the paleo diet is just a cop-off of the original gangster: Atkins).
The thing about string cheese, aside from the fact that I’ve been subsisting on it alone for the past three days, lost four pounds of pure fat, and didn’t die (I was going through something. Some call it being broke, I call it, being thrifty), is that it’s so cheap, so good and so portable. Seriously, the inventor of string cheese is an absolute genius. His name is unknown but apparently he was an Armenian. From Syria. Or something like that.
It’s well-contained, non-messy, doesn’t require a plate or spoon/fork to eat and there is no clean up whatsoever—except throwing the plastic wrapper into the trash. There just isn’t anything else around like it. I mean sure, you have your potato chips (way too greasy on the hands), your ramen noodles (filled with MSG which is a potent neurotoxin) and your yogurts to snack on (spoons are way too complicated)…but these are all either a) fattening b) not ready-to-eat-out-of-the-packaging or c) not fun. String cheese, on the other hand, is low-carb, ready to eat, and totally fun (“Dude, peeling string into little pieces is so awesome, cause, you can, like, hang them from your nose!”)
We need string cheese! I mean, come on! Aren’t we the generation that is too lazy to give a shit about anything? String cheese can save us (or at least help us in a few areas while allowing us to continue to not give a shit about anything.) Think about the possibilities. This one phallic, edible creation can simultaneously a) cater to the fact that we don’t want to pick up our messes, clean our hands off, or wipe our own asses for that matter…b) help us lose weight and become even more superficial than 1950s housewives were and c) provide other generations the illusion that we are actually fun people who do things other than stalk our friends on Facebook. Come on! What could be better than string cheese? As far and I’m concerned, NOTHING.
