If you partied with me from 2011 to 2014, you are probably familiar with my infamous bad habit.
I used to wet the bed every time I consumed alcohol. (I have also peed myself sober, but that is a completely different story.)
When I became known as a chronic bed-wetter, I was honestly relieved. The first reason I was relieved was because I knew all my friends were aware of my condition and still liked me. Second, from then on if I did pee the bed, it wasn’t something to be embarrassed about. Being known as a chronic bed-wetter is the embarrassing part, but I had already gotten over that hurtle.
But the best part is I’ve become a go-to confidant every time someone has an embarrassing pee story. If you spent four years at UF, your chances of peeing yourself in some way, shape or form is about as high as your chances of blacking out at Sunday Funday. High if you rage, low if you’re lame.
It can happen to anyone, and has happened to an overwhelming amount of people I have met. I would say it is nothing to be ashamed of, but if you wet the bed because you drink an excessive amount of alcohol to the point that you can’t control your bodily functions, then yeah, it’s kind of something to be ashamed of.
But that’s not all there is to it. There is a whole science and psychology around it.
Here are the top contributors to drunk piss pants:
1. Excessive alcohol
Alcohol is a diuretic. Diuretics make you have to pee. We’ve all been in the bathroom line at Fat’s. When you drink more than you normally do, a.k.a. you’re really, really, wasted, you’re putting more diuretics in your body causing your body to excrete more urine while simultaneously wrecking your brain function. You can do the math.
2. Stimulants.
This is a kicker. Coffee, Adderall, Coke, cocaine, Redbull, matcha tea, they’re all stimulants. Guess what else they are? Diuretics. It might seem like a good idea to pop a Ritalin right before you go out for a night of y-bombs, but don’t be surprised if you wake up in a puddle.
3. Hard sleeping.
The fact of the matter is that if you really have to pee, you really have to pee. Falling asleep doesn’t change that. Someone can (and has) punched me in my face while I’m sleeping and I won’t wake up. Getting up to pee when I’m passed out drunk? Not going to register. Another thing to note on this topic is the combination of drinking excessive amounts of alcohol then mixing that with another downer, like marijuana or Xanex. Not only does this mess you up even more, it also puts you to sleep quicker and makes you sleep harder.
4. Not eating.
Everyone knows that drinking on an empty stomach will make you drunk faster. If you’re a typical college kid, there has probably been a few times that you decided food wasn’t necessary while also deciding to go super hard, and you probably blacked out. Hence, increasing your chances of peeing yourself.
5. Getting wasted off beer and wine.
I don’t care what any doctor says about this one. The amount of times I’ve peed myself after heavy amounts of beer and wine is significantly higher than from drinking just liquor. My theory on this one is that you’re probably drinking more liquids with beer and wine and you’re drinking it faster. That is, if you’re trying to get drunk.
6. Drinking up to the point you fall asleep.
Frat houses are hazard zones for bed-wetters. Beer everywhere. Frequent grounds for blacking out, and conveniently, they have beds and couches everywhere to pass out on. Funneling a beer and immediately passing out puts you at high risk for piss pants. I suggest taking a small break from drinking with a couple trips to the bathroom before you fall asleep.
7. Stress.
Little kids wet the bed more frequently when they are feeling stressed out. That applies to adults or drunk college kids, as well. I found that I have been more likely to pee the bed when I am in a stressful situation. The stress could originate from a situation happening at the time of the incident, i.e. shacking in an unknown bed in a frat house, or it could be an ongoing stressor, like preparing for the MCAT. Either way, being in a stressful position can increase your chances of wetting the bed.
I am proud to say that after extensive research and studying my habits, I have only wet the bed once in the past year. Most people tell me when they wet the bed that they had no idea what they did different other than just getting super wasted, but that happens all the time.
If you have wet the bed before then chances are you were well off your rocker and experiencing one or more of the contributors listed above. If you frequently wet the bed then assess your partying routine. You probably have a small bladder and are faced with one or more of these contributing factors.
Good luck and stay dry!
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