Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: This deranged uncle
Via: Youtube
I’ve seen a lot of things during my time with the Internet, believe you me.
I’ve seen beheadings, pain Olympics, jump scares, and the duration of “2 girls 1 cup,” “4 guys 3 hammers,” and “1 guy 8 jars.” If it’s on there, I’ve seen it.
But this right here is some royally screwed up stuff. His niece’s pet dragonfly perches delicately on his nose. The man has no soul behind his coal eyes and he sings, “I know all there is to know about the crying gameeeee” and drawls out the last word like he trained Heath Ledger for his role as The Joker on “The Dark Knight.”
Then he TONGUES THE DRAGONFLY’S TAIL.
Everyone in the room (appropriately) reacts in disgust. The niece is heard a bit off screen, pleading with the uncle to let him go and not hurt him, but the man can’t hear anything except for the inner demon within him boom-clapping with glee at what’s about to unfold.
Then the dude sucks the dragonfly into the “depths of his mouth” (as the niece puts it) and starts crunching loudly on the poor bug as the niece erupts into tears. She’s crying probably less about her bug’s fate and more about the fact that she’s related to this psychopath. She is his flesh and blood.
Perhaps this is the origin story for a superhero, or perhaps something like this happened to Nietzsche before he scrawled “GOD IS DEAD” on his social studies binder.
Look into his eyes. There is no life behind them.
He then smiles cheek to cheek, and a woman off screen demands he washes his mouth and he laughs out loud and asks, “Why?”
The woman, in the final seconds of the video, can’t even form her words because she, too, is baffled by the sheer insanity in the man’s visage. And deep down in him, where that dragonfly’s remains will go, is a beyond realm. It is a realm where nothing matters and anything can be eaten. What if it was a hamster on his face? Or a parakeet on his shoulder? I’m weeping.
Guys, this really fucked me up.
It’s only July and this dude is a frontrunner for Asshole of the Year.
Hero: Brandon Moore a.k.a. Young Busco
Via: Youtube
In a time where social injustices are abound and people fear the cops with a long-forgotten vigor, one man stands up on the front line.
According to this Complex article, Brandon Moore is a father of five who has recently gotten out of jail for narcotics. He doesn’t claim to be a hero. He doesn’t claim to have it all figured out, but after his grandma passed away he knew he would have to be there for his kids like never before.
So when he was at a flea market and saw a woman was being arrested for being drunk in public he went up to the officer and said, “I got one question for you!”
Then he dropped to the ground, pointed at the officer’s ugly shoes and yelled:
“WHAT ARE THOSE?!”
The video on his Instagram went positively viral and now the new trend is for sneakerheads to publicly call out people’s brandless shoes and shout, “What are thooosssseeeeee!”
Why did I pick him as the hero of the week? Well, I did it for multiple reasons. He took the whole idea of the law enforcement not being immune to judgment to a whole new level by making it petty and snarky. He also made people laugh, found the value in his comedy and is now working on a sketch show. He’s there for his kids more and he gets letters from fans of his Instagram saying he makes them smile and helps them out.
Folks, heroes come in all shapes and sizes and true heroism can be reached a myriad of ways.
Moore did it by roasting a cop. Sure, now everyone will think it’s funny to call out your sneakers and humiliate you, but hell, everyone needs to be knocked down now and then. Just admit you got roasted and don’t freak out about it. Also, now we have this hysterical meme where cartoons are put on blast.
Featured photo courtesy of: Comicvine
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