We Ain’t Nothin’ But Mammals: Your College Guide to Monogamy

The practice of monogamy is something that has been pounded into our heads since birth.

We all know what’s expected of us. Meet a nice guy or gal, fall in love with their personality, face the introduction to the parents, get married, pop out a few kids with said person and happily embrace your empty nest with your loved one once the kids leave for college to soak their bodies in beer and debt.

But college is a whole different world, and these monogamous practices get a little blurred after the third shot of tequila hits you. For the youth living in a raging college town with so many bodies in one place, we tend to doubt this common tradition we were always expected to follow.

It leaves us to ask one undeniable question: Is monogamy really natural or are we meant to be savage sex-seeking mammals?

To help me with this question, I decided to talk to David P. Barash, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the author of 38 books centered around human behavior related to monogamy.

Is Monogamy Natural?

The answer is no, according to most biologists. 

There are certain biological features and mannerisms that lead most scientists to believe that humans are not naturally geared toward monogamy.

“A Martian zoologist who came to the earth would have no doubt looking at our species that we’re not naturally monogamous,” Barash said. “That doesn’t mean we couldn’t be or even shouldn’t be, but it just means it’s not easy.”

But just because monogamy isn’t necessarily natural, it doesn’t make the practice a bad thing. There are a lot of habits humans have that aren’t natural.

For example, learning how to take aluminum, morph it into a cylindrical can, fill it with yeast-fermented alcohol, poke a hole into the side of the can and inhale the liquid in one gulp instead of using the hole made for drinking at the top of the can is not natural.

But we still do it.

What About Humans Makes Us Non-Monogamous?

There are both behavioral and physical reasons.

1. The size of humans

The fact that males are bigger than females indicates that monogamy doesn’t fit humans. This is called sexual dimorphism and most species that have this difference between the sexes do not practice monogamy.

Think about it ladies, what do we look for in a guy at a bar? Tall, dark and handsome. 

2. Men’s violence and women’s subtleness

Male-male competition is a trait that comes as no surprise to us. Just go to Midtown after 2 a.m. and causally walk by the Pizza By The Slice window. Most males love to compete for access to females. 

But the trait that isn’t so apparent is the one secret that us ladies love to keep: periods.

According to Barash, the fact that females hid their ovulation is actually one of the biggest signs that humans are are not meant to be monogamous. For other animals, such as chimpanzees, female ovulation is known and this allows for the males to guard the female during this time. But in the case of humans, the males never know.

What does this mean?

It basically means that males can’t guard us all the time, and since they never know when our womb is at the least risk of being filled, this gives ladies a chance to mingle with other partners without the fear of the partner ever finding out the truth— back in the day, this “truth” came in baby form. This was a trait that our great, great, great, great grandmothers practiced in order to sack up with the blacksmith behind the windmill. You go, grams!

3. When we mature

Men mature more slowly than women. It really doesn’t take a room full of biologists to know this one, folks.

This known fact is called sexual bimaturism. Again, this goes back male-male completion over access to females.  Males tend to mature when they are older because the older, stronger males win the ladies. This forces young boys to enter the sexual and social world at a much later time because they are basically afraid of getting their heads bashed in by the older males. Females lack the intense, violent competition that men face and are therefore given the chance to enter the sexual and social world much earlier.

Awesome! So I Can Bang As Many People As I Want!

Well, yes and no.

Yes, because you can do whatever you want.

No, because there are two facts that don’t make this ideal: the number of people in the world and jealously. [Insert eye roll here.]

Think about it this way: If every frat star at midtown got 10 girls, this leaves nine other frat stars with no girls. This leads to nine angry, sexually frustrated frat stars which leads to a party where GPD is in the VIP booth. No one wants this. No one.

Another thing we need to consider is that fact that we can’t handle our own poison. Humans possess what biologists call “sexual jealously” and what I call “my ex.”

We love to act on the sexual inclinations of having multiple partners, but what we love for ourselves is not always what we love for our partner. It’s in our biology.

Very simply put, if you care about someone, you don’t want to see them sleeping around with other people.

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Even with all this scientific knowledge, monogamy still has it’s challenges in the college circle of youth. There are blurred lines and a lot of unknown territories you have to enter.

But, at the end of the day, whether or not you choose to be monogamous is in your hands — or hand because a beer is most likely in the other.

To learn more about the mysteries of monogamy, check out David Barash’s new book, Out of Eden: The Surprising Consequences of Polygamy

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