Growing up in my family, etiquette was no laughing matter.
My grandmother, a seasoned high school English teacher who could tame rowdy children with a tilt of the chin, would simultaneously correct your grammar and point out errant elbows on the dinner table before you even realized she was looking your way.
Please and thank you, chewing with your mouth closed, thank you notes at Christmas and birthdays, you know, the basics. The established rules of social behavior is a relatively easy concept to wrap your head around when you’re learning it across the dinner table from grandma at the age of seven. But throw in dating, alcohol and a newfound independence and the lines start to get a little blurry.
Fear not, for there actually is a graceful way to handle bumping into the guy whose shoes you threw up on last weekend. Without further ado, I present to you some of the most common offenses that your grandma never thought to warn you about. Fowarding is encouraged.
Via: Unsplash
Not saying hi to people who you have definitely met
Adult life brings about a myriad of “I kind of know you” situations in which typical social conventions might not apply. I am here to tell you that when running into people, there is a vast difference between the guy who you’ve never met but you follow on Instagram because he has the cutest dog you’ve ever seen and the guy whose bed you slept in last semester.
No need to greet the dog guy by name — in fact, you probably shouldn’t. But go ahead and say hi if they’re wearing your letters or involved in an organization you’re affiliated with, if you know what it’s like to kiss them or if you’ve ever had a real-life conversation with them lasting more than five minutes. I’m not saying you have to ask about their pets, their family or their five-year plan, but you can certainly acknowledge their presence as a human being on your way to class.
“Let’s split the check!” when you ordered more than anyone else
When I order a sandwich and a water and you decide to go with the smoked salmon appetizer, a Porterhouse, a dessert, an espresso and a bottle of wine that was gently and lovingly aged for decades in a cave nestled in the foothills of Tuscany, I had better not hear the words “Let’s just split the bill evenly!” come out of your mouth. I have the deepest of respects for that unalienable human right of treat yo’self after a rough week, but please allow me to throw a ten dollar bill your way while you foot the rest of the check.
Via: Giphy
Hitting “attending” on every single Facebook event you’re invited to
Look, if you want get a steady stream of notifications from every single EDM festival in a 500 mile radius, you do your thing and “Attend” those shows. But when “Jeff’s Very Grown Up Birthday Dinner Party” appears in your notifications and you’re one of sixteen people who were invited to something that is most likely an intimate affair, consider your “Attending” status an official RSVP. Jeff’s girlfriend is waiting at her computer screen so she can go spend money on your plate of chicken parmesan.
Facebook has recently made it easier to stay informed on public events without commiting by adding the “Interested” button, so there are no more excuses. Play it safe and take your response seriously if there are less than 50 people invited to an event, if the host is a close friend or if it will involve someone else spending money on food and alcohol for you to consume. At the very least, keep it in event limbo while you’re figuring out your plans so no one is factoring you in to the per-person price of the keg.
Breaking things off over text
There is a divine limit to the things that you can text to someone you regularly see naked. “Bye, forever” does not make the cut. Other no-gos include but are not limited to: major illnesses, pregnancies, plans to move, marriage proposals and the lone letter “K.” This is basically the 11th Commandment that didn’t make the official list.
Not apologizing when you spill your drink on someone
There is an easy way to avoid making an enemy out of this situation, buy the person a beer. This goes double if the drink you spilled on them was in fact their own. If you subject me to smelling like the inside of a fraternity house for the rest of the night and brush by without saying a word, I will exercise my right to go tell the girl you’re chatting with any elaborate story of my choosing about your, um, abilities while you’re in the bathroom.
Via: Someecards.com
Posting photos that your friends look terrible in
Everyone has the friend that is a regular offender of this one. She probably makes you feel like her Instagram is a fancy museum by using words like “curated” and she stands on chairs to get the right shot every single time you find yourself drinking lattes together. She is also the girl most likely to post a group shot where she is front and center, smile gleaming, skinny arm perfectly crooked, while you flank her with squinty drunk eyes, bra partially visible, dress covered in mystery stains that are most likely from some asshole’s wayward whiskey coke (see: apologizing for spilling a drink.) We all know this girl. We have all been this girl at least once. Stop being this girl, and feel free to run like hell from this girl.
