Christmas is right around the corner. It’s a glorious time of no school, no work, abundant food and way too much family time.
While family time has its perks (like bottomless glasses of wine that you can’t afford to buy on your own), it has its negatives. There’s always that one aunt that feels the need to ask about your relationship status over dinner or that one grandpa continually yelling about you not becoming a doctor like the rest of the lineage.
To help you survive the blissful nightmare of being home for the holidays, we’ve devised some go-to answer choices for the most common and most heinous family interrogations.
Warning: we cannot be held liable if these responses contribute to your disownment, family feuds or excommunication from familial correspondence.
Relationships
Are you dating anyone?
A. Kind of. I’ve been “talking” to this guy/girl for a while and when we get blackout we go home with each other. The sex is amazing, but I’m not really sure it’s going to be anything serious. He/she will ignore my texts and then like my pics on Instagram, so yeah. I have no fucking clue, actually…
B. (chugs glass of wine) Fuck no, Nana. Single and ready to mingle.
Are you and _____ still together? Are they The One?
A. Yes, of course! Once I graduate, we’re going to get married, settle down in a cramped 1 bedroom apartment in a low income neighborhood (because that’s all we can afford) and start having grandchildren for you as soon as possible.
B. No, we’re not and no, they’re not. Turns out that he/she was hooking up with the old best friend and now I’m destined to be alone forever. Can I get another beer please?
How is _____ [insert name of ex that you brought home last holiday season] doing?
A. Well, if you count having a new significant other that isn’t me as “good” then…they’re doing great.
B. Jesus Grandma, can you please not bring that up again in front of _____ [insert name of current bf/gf that is currently right next to you] ?
Appearance
Son, you’re all skin and bones. Are you eating enough?
A. Yes, but I’m on a all plant-based diet because of the environmental impact of the meat production and livestock farming. I refuse to have my dietary choices be a contributing factor to the deforestation of the Amazon rainforest in South America and the stormwater runoff of fecal matter from farms. Global warming. Greenhouse gases. Al Gore. Vegan. Spinach. Peta. Help…
B. No, the bi-weekly allowance you give me is $100. Half of that goes towards buying Skol and weed so I can try to get laid and not feel so sad all the time.
I had no idea that ____ [insert item of clothing] was in style now. Is that how the girls are wearing it?
A. Yes, high-waisted shorts make me feel skinnier, Mom. I’m sorry the bottom of my butt cheeks are showing. And I’m sorry I used to make fun of your Mom jeans.
B. Well, it turns out that when you drink an added 3,000 calories in beer and eat Pizza by the Slice four nights a week for three months, none of your clothes fit anymore. So, no, this is not what the girls are wearing these days, but it is what I’m fitting into these days.
Technology
Kids these days are always on their phones. You’re not on that chat snap thing are you?
A. No, Grandma. We all know that the Government is keeping all those photos in a database somewhere and I wouldn’t want that to harm my chances when I run for President one day.
B. Yes, but only when I’m sending nudes to my friend with benefits in an effort to persuade them to come over at 3:30 in the morning. It has a 43 percent success rate.
I saw this thing on Facebook the other day about _______ [insert ridiculous, stupid Internet drivel]. Did you see that?
A. Yes, I had no idea that Obama was a Muslim alien from Kenya or that you could clean a wine stain with grape jelly. Social media really is a wonderful thing, isn’t it Uncle Joe?
B. No, but I’ll be sure to start following TheConservativeRepublican.com and CrazyThingsYouDidn’tKnowWereReallyTrue.com. My newsfeed could definitely use a little bit more sensational bullshit.
Career
Oh, a _____ major. Well, that’s nice. What do you plan to do with that when you graduate?
A. Yeah, I get that a lot with an English degree. I plan on going to law school, probably to a university that’s not known very well for their law program but hopefully is in a cool city where I can blow off classes, drop out and then go teach in Thailand.
B. Well, the plan is use the bio degree to go to med school. But if that doesn’t work out I can always teach middle school biology. I hear they make good money, right?
You didn’t want to go to nursing school / med school / law school like your sibling?
A. No, because I’m not a self-imporant douche bag like ____ [inset name of self-important douche bag sibling].
B. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?
