Asshole and Hero of the Week

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Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.

Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.

Okay, maybe not.

The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.

We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.

Asshole: Hulu

This comes from a deeply personal place, guys, so if you have problems with cold hard facts then kindly move on.

You know what really gets my goat? When Hulu acts like it’s better than other streaming sites because it lets you watch some things for “free.” Let me tell you something (and I’m furiously typing this without thinking it through and with little regard to whether or not my claims are accurate): Hulu doesn’t do-wa-dick.

They slice off about 40 percent of the program and cram it to fucking hell with redundant commercials that are longer than the actual time spent watching the goddamn show. It’s like trying to eat a turkey when actually it’s just a plate of old, wet stuffing.

I know, I know, I know. “But Alex,” you say, “Netflix doesn’t let you watch anything for free.” But you know what? I’ll take that. Spare me the insulting act of watching buffering, blurry TV in between 30 minutes of crisp, loud commercials.

Furthermore, if you think you’re going to tantalize me into paying $7.99 a month to watch “The Mindy Project” or “The Awesomes,” you need to take your neon green head out of your ass. Even if Netflix ends up increasing their price, I’ll gladly fork it over to get access to their programs that have garnered 34 Emmy nominations.

Hey, Hulu, how much recognition did “East Los High” get? You know, the all Latino Degrassi?

Please go somewhere.

It’s like you’re taking your television pitch ideas from a fourth grader. “Deadbeat” is about a lazy stoner medium who solves relationship quarrels. I’ve seen a better lineup back when “Cousin Skeeter” followed “100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd” circa 2000 on Nickelodeon. It was even still more compelling a couple years later when J. Boogie hosted Teen Nick.

You tried, though. You tried to sweeten the deal by offering a doubled price for Showtime, America’s 2nd best premium network. You really think I’m going to pay double to catch “Penny Dreadful” or “Dexter?” It’d be easier for you to convince me that 50 Cent’s show “Power” was good or that I should at least try to catch “Empire.”

Listen to me, Hulu. You ain’t dick.

The only time I’ll sit through your fucking endless hours of commercials is if it’s to catch five goddamn blurry seconds of you cutting yourself in a tub. You’re like that kid in middle school that followed around all of the cool kids and anytime they said something funny, you’d catch the tail end of the laugh and recite the joke back. The only guy less cool than you is probably Yahoo! or Crackle.

And FYI, before you take that as compliment, that’s the equivalent of getting picked in gym class before the quadriplegic does.

Hero: Todd Bachman

According to this article from the Today Show, at a wedding in Ohio a couple of weeks ago, father of the bride Todd Bachman was asked to walk his daughter down the aisle.

Instead of immediately running into position, Bachman first went out and grabbed the hand of her step-father, saying, “You’ve had just as big of a part in raising this child.” The two dads then walked their daughter down the aisle. What’s even better is that both fathers are named Todd and both mothers are named Sherrill.

I’m not making this up.

Brittany Peck, the budding bride to be, was marrying her long-term boyfriend, also named Brittany Peck. When Todd, not her father but the other father, joined her in the aisle, she nearly broke down in tears. When seeing that, Brittany ran to Brittany. Both Sherrills clapped as both Todds walked both Brittanys down the aisle.

At the reception, Todd and the other Sherrill shook hands and said there were no hard feelings about anything and the other Todd said the same about the two Brittanys. In the audience (I’m not making this up) there were eighteen guests named Helix.

Todd, the father of one of the Helixes who is a nephew to Brittany, said, “This wedding is good.” Helix looked at all other seventeen Helixes and said, “Yes. We are good.”

The small Ohio town they live in has a population of 805. Other than Todd, Todd, Brittany, Brittany, Sherrill, Sherrill, and the eighteen Helixes, the other 781 people are named Craggle. Again, I can’t stress enough that I’m not making any of this up. About 40 Craggles were at the wedding and each one nodded in unison and said, “Good for Todd.”

Reports show that Brittany is already pregnant and it’s anyone’s guess what she’ll name it.

Also, everyone is still super divorced and the day after the wedding Todd beat Sherrill all to hell.

Featured photo courtesy of: Wikimedia Commons