Asshole and Hero of the Week

Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.

Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.

Okay, maybe not.

The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.

We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.

Asshole: Michelle Carter

According to a Washington Post article, this young 17-year-old girl is being charged with manslaughter after convincing her boyfriend, the late Conrad Roy III, to take his own life.

The couple dated back in July of 2014 and the court is staring at a ton of text messages between the two that mostly center on Roy’s depression and whether or not he should commit suicide.

Carter texted him things like:

• “You always say you’re gonna do it, but you never do.”
• “When are you going to do it?”
• “You’re finally going to be happy in heaven. No more pain.”

She eventually convinced Roy to drive to a Kmart parking lot and pump his truck’s carbon monoxide into his own window through a tube. When Roy had one last urge to live, he stumbled out of the truck, and Carter texted him to “get back in.”

What kind of evil shit is this!?

This girl is 17 years old and she’s already the most diabolical person in national news. The couple wasn’t even “dating” dating; they were mostly just online penpals. They had only seen each other in person a couple of times.

Was she just bored? How could someone just – I – uh- gah!

There is no way she’s going to find a date to prom now. There’s no chance in hell. If she doesn’t go to jail, her love life is just trashed. But, at the same time, if you’re her boyfriend and you don’t have a history of depression, you could probably get away with pretty much anything. Like, “Oh I forgot to pick you up from work. What, do you want me to kill myself over it?” and basically just say that type of stuff until, she, oh I don’t know, kills herself?

That’s the only way this can end. She has to be so haunted by the late Roy III that she is eventually driven to suicide. Only then can the equilibrium of the world be a little more stable.

The worst part is that she was well aware of what she was doing. Some days after Roy was found dead, she texted her friend (who probably should rethink her T-Mobile Fave 5) about how she could’ve stopped it. She said, “Like honestly I could have stopped it,” and, “[If the police] read my messages with him I’m done…I can go to jail.”

I need to know who is still texting this girl. What are her most used emojis? Does she use her Snapchat to convince people to rob banks?

This is my nightmare. I’ll never ever ever EVER date again.

Back in the day, this type of thing wouldn’t happen. Do you know how long it would’ve taken to convince someone to kill himself or herself over snail mail? It would’ve been forever. They’d probably die quicker from “da consumption.”

Once again, texting is ruining us, smdh.

Hero: Nela Zisser

Now, I’ll admit that I was heavily debating whether or not to put Ms. Zisser as the Hero of the Week.

It kept me up at night. Truly. This gig isn’t all cheap dick jokes. I honestly try keep an eye out for who to write about each week. And Ms. Zisser, as mundane as her accomplishments may seem, is in fact the hero we need.

According to a recent Huff Post article, Nela Zisser consumed five pounds of frozen yogurt in less than ten minutes. I know what you’re thinking: “Who gives a donk?’ But let me also tell you that she used to be a beauty pageant winner who then quit her life of tiaras and sashes and went on to be a competitive eater.

Rewind back to a couple of months ago and we arrive at the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, where Zisser came in seventh place. OK, I know you’re probably still thinking “But who donks a donk?”

Don’t you get it? Don’t you see the bigger picture here? She said, “Fuck trying to look pretty for people. I’m just going to eat droves of food for fun.” Now if that’s not…oh how do I put this? If that’s not being your true authentic self, then I don’t know what is. Kierkegaard would be proud. Honestly.

And eating five pounds of that icy stuff isn’t easy. A lot of you guys may not know this (and why should you?) but I used to work at Yogurt Mountain way back in the day. You’re allowed a cup of yogurt every shift so, naturally, I had one every shift. Sometimes I had multiple. I ate so much gosh darn yogurt that soon my digestion was all off and basically my shits have never been the same.

I know what you’re thinking: “Donk donk donk.”

But look folks, I’m in a spiraling depression and have been as of late. Can’t you guys see the pattern here? The “Heroes” of the week have been vastly less impactful than the “Assholes” of the week.

How am I supposed to find something good to make you guys forget that a girl convinced a boy to kill himself? It can’t happen. So guess what…I’ve stopped trying. Beauty pageant stars are cool. Frozen yogurt is cool by definition. Eating things way more than your body wants is literally a pastime of mine, so why not just go with this one?

Also, as we go forward, please remember this: if you eat a lot of chicken — like a huge Chick-fil-A or Popeye’s meal — you’ll eventually get really tired and that’s called “the chicken snooze.” When you eat Mexican food and get sluggish after, that’s called “the fundido trance.”

And if you eat a pizza and then feel greasy after, it’s called “pie hypnotics.“

Featured photo courtesy of: El Universal

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