Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: Darreck Michael Enciso
Via: WordPress
According to an article on the Huffington Post, Enciso, a dishwasher at a Disneyland Resort, was arrested for trying to trade Disney tickets for sex with a minor. The guy threw up the offer on Craigslist — like any business savvy man would — and some undercover fuzz pretended to be a 14-year-old girl.
Enciso actually had a history of posting up lewd deals on Craigslist:
“A wheelbarrow for the wheelbarrow.”
“A bowling ball if you cup my ball.”
“A MewTwo Card for a Few Two Hards.”
“A muffler for five bucks.”
“Ice skates.”
“My shit.”
Or my favorite post of his, where he offered a Duncan Yo-Yo in exchange for cocaine and a blow job:
“Yo ho, a spunk dunk yoyo for a hunk gunk blow blow.”
They arrested him as he walked out to the location with a box of condoms and Disney tickets, which may be the first time those two things were in such close proximity of each other, unless you count the time I saw Minnie Mouse get rowdy with a guy that sounded like the Goof. (But I don’t count that because those were my parents, and I repressed it so hard it became a tumor. Don’t worry, it’s benign.)
Enciso was charged for three separates felonies that all basically say, “He was being creepy.”
But let’s take a different look at this situation. Being a minor and banging a 27-year-old dishwasher is still probably cheaper than buying the tickets straight up. So who’s the real criminal? Enciso who merely wanted to offer a better deal? Or big-business Walt Disney, whose cryogenically frozen anti-Semitic creator is floating in the universe somewhere, judging.
Enciso should’ve known it was a trap, to be honest. A grown ass detective acting like a 14-year-old girl? That’s like when your parents try to be hip around you and ask what video game you’re playing on your Nintend-box.
The detective was also really weird about it, too, and wouldn’t drop the character for a couple weeks after. He started submitting all of his arrest reports in Fall Out Boy folders and then cut holes in his uniform sleeves for his thumbs to poke through.
The detective was super convincing in his AIM chat with Enciso, though. When Enciso grew suspicious, he asked the detective a foolproof question that only a 14-year-old girl would know: “How does a dinosaur say I love you?”
The detective astutely answered, “Rawr XD.”
Now Enciso faces up to four years in prison, in addition to the lifetime label of being sex offender. But I must ask, what if he backed out at the last minute? Does it still count? What if it was only upstairs-outsidesies? Because back in my freshman year Reggie told me that didn’t count. Granted, I, too, was 14 then and it wasn’t outside her Hollister shirt, no, it was me spanking ugly outside her upstairs window.
Ah, young love, right?
I’m not saying I sympathize with the guy but doesn’t it seem like the youth is getting more sexual at a younger and younger age? I can understand the confusion in thinking it was okay because these days 7th graders are getting more play than I’ve ever gotten in my life (and yes, it’s because of my tail). One time I was babysitting a 4-year-old and he was sending dick pics to a girl at his daycare. Thankfully the pictures didn’t go through because it was a candy phone, but I saw the intention in his eyes.
We live in a sexually charged world. And Walt Disney put Enciso in a harsh position, not unlike the one he would’ve done to the girl. All right that was pretty grim. I’m sorry. But yeah, Enciso is an asshole. We can all agree on that. But ask yourself – could this have been me? (Please say No)
Hero: JetBlue Airways
Via: Washington Post
According to this article, JetBlue Airways is kicking off an initiative that puts free-book vending machines in communities that have scarce resources or limited access to books.
The first few were placed in a Washington, DC, neighborhood in hopes of promoting summer reading and literacy.
This is a big step for JetBlue in the eyes of basically everyone that’s ever flown with them. One time they gave me an already-opened bag of nuts, and when I complained about it they crashed the plane.
But this can be really good, especially if they stock it with books that kids actually want to read. My school had one of those free book exchanges, but all the books were either “Chicken Soups” or a knock-off “Animorphs” series called “Changey Pets.” The main one was about a kid that changed into his own pet.
It didn’t make any goddamn sense.
One of the books they are planning to have is the “Magic Tree House” series by Mary Pope Osborne. I used to read these back in the day. They’re about a brother and a sister that read books in their tree house and get transported to whatever world the book is about. They have cutesy names like “Dinosaurs Before Dark,” “Mummies in the Morning” and “Pirates Past Noon.”
But I remember some titles being more suggestive like “Dragons of the Red Dawn,” which turned out to be about Mao Zedong’s communist regime during the Cold War. Or even the more explicit one, “Bundy at Bed Time,” which told of the horrible murder of the little sister Annie. Yikes.
But I’m sure these kids that have nothing to read will love to start reading now. I know one thing that sparked my love for literature was reading about the Jewish Zionist movement chronicled in the “Berenstain Bears.” Or the “Little Critter” series that dealt with being a little fucking hairy freak, which I knew all too well.
Good on ya, JetBlue. Good on ya.
Featured photo courtesy of: Deviant Art
