Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: De’Andre Johnson
Via: foxsports
It’s with some weird Tally pride that I get to announce that the Asshole of the Week is FSU’s very own De’Andre Johnson.
On Monday, security footage came about showing De’Andre Johnson slugging a girl at local bar Yianni’s. It’s surprisingly clear footage, and if you’re okay with going, “Oh!!” then it’s definitely worth checking out.
He’s reportedly really sorry about it all and blah blah blah is going to start going to domestic violence classes.
He says he hopes he can right his wrong with the help of God and stuff. That’s interesting to note because I had class with him and he was always preaching about how God helped him get where he is, and maybe he was just giving that girl the ol’ five-knuckle blessing.
He’s a very hands-on prophet, guys, really.
One time he read me his favorite verse from the bible but, actually, as I think about it, he was also choking out a dog with his thighs at the same time.
It’s really a grim thing to make jokes about, though, because according to this NCB Sports article it means that his chances at the NFL are dramatically decreased. However… I did hear that there’s an opening for bare-knuckle boxing behind the Whataburger on Stadium.
And if that doesn’t work out, there’s always an opening as my drunken stepdad. You already have the moves, man.
Supposedly, she said something that really pissed him off (“racial epithets,” according to his attorney), and he just flew off the handle. And maybe she accused him of being a brainless meathead and he had to show her she was wrong. You know? Maybe she said something like, “I bet you can’t control your temper!” and he just exploded about it.
Who can say?
To be honest, I’m afraid just writing about it because if he reads this, I’m a dead man. If he did that to a drunk girl on footage, what would he do to me? I can already hear him scratching at my windows, reciting bible passages before he gives me the old one-two.
This guy is the type of guy to call a kid a faggot for hugging his dad. When Caitlyn Jenner was getting all popular and being called a hero, this is the type of guy who uploaded an image of a legless marine and said something like, “THIS is a Hero.”
I hope he gets to play, though. With him on our side, we will be unbeatable. We’ll cream everyone!
I hear the first team we play is actually just a bunch of girls’ faces.
Hero of the Week: Matt Stonie
Via: PBS
On July 4, we celebrated one of the greatest traditions of our nation.
It was a time of liberty and camaraderie, and everyone gathered together and looked up to watch Matt Stonie eat 62 hot dogs IN 10 MINUTES!!! Hell yeah, baby!!
Homeboy “Megatoad” destroyed his competition at the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest in Coney Island, NY. His competition Joey “Jaws” Chestnut was the eight-time defending champion, but Matt Stonie is a pure example of what you can do when you set your mind to it.
This guy’s Hero of the Week because he reminds me of a simpler time when we could just watch each other eat horrendous amounts of food and be rewarded for it!
True, there are kids starving around the world, but you point to any baby you want and I bet they can’t eat as many hot dogs as Matt Stonie, regardless of how hungry they claim to be. I bet Matt Stonie wasn’t even that hungry when he did it. But he still crushed it. Some babies can’t even eat solid foods let alone eat 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes! So don’t even try to tell me kids are starving – they wouldn’t even win.
Don’t let these bitter fans bring you down, Stonie. You’re an example of hard work and determination in an age of PEDs, cheats and scandals.
And for that, you’re the Hero of the Week.
Featured photo courtesy of: nbcnews
