This is a guest post from TallahasseeScene’s Alex Gonzalez.
Your Senior Year Prom Date
“I’ll be fun and a good time, and you’ll remember me for the rest of your life probably.”
Right swipe!
Your Parttime Gig at Abercrombie & Fitch
“I’ll treat you like a troll and only have you work the latest shifts. I’ll never let you leave the back room, and you’ll get paid shit.”
Left swipe, man.
Your First Kiss
“Willing to try anything once.”
Right swipe.
Your First Time
“Willing to lie.”
Right swipe.
A Heaping Tablespoon in the Peanut Butter Jar
“Let’s get nutty.”
Right swipe for suuure.
Your Parents Weeping In Front of You
“I like to have fun and be chill, but, sometimes, I’ll haunt you in your sleep and bum you out. I’ll also lead you to realize how shitty life can be and just be an all-around downer sometimes.”
Uh… right swipe, I guess? Seems like a point of maturity.
Your First Heartbreak
“I know you never forgot me.”
Left swipe, TRISHA, YOU HEARTLESS CROW.
Slip and Slides!
“Need I say more?”
OFY right swipe, baby!
Benchwarming At Youth Soccer League
“I’m pretty athletic and get sort of competitive. With me, you’ll learn how to fake excitement when your parents ask how practice was.”
Left swipe.
Going to Strip Clubs
“I’ll be exactly what you want to do when you turn 18, but when you tell people about me, everyone will judge you and think you’re a pig.”
Fuck it. Right swipe.
Not Being Able to Afford The Dream College You Were Accepted To
“Rich guys only.”
Left swipe.
When You Threw Up In A Bounce House
“It’s what’s inside that matters.”
Left swipe. It was the ice cream cake that did me in.
Christmas Morning When You Unwrapped a Nintendo 64
“I’m kind of like the essence of pure happiness.”
Right swipe.
McDonald’s
“I’m cheap and tasty. Let’s get weird.”
Right swipe.
Taco Bell Breakfast
“4/20 blaze it.”
Blegh. Left swipe.
Middle School Years
“I’m actually 12 xD xD. ‘Rawr’ means ‘I love you’ in Dinosaur”
Oh God, left Swipe.
Trisha Leet
“You’re still not over me.”
Goddammit.
(Right swipe.)
Featured photo courtesy of: Valiomerga
