This is a guest post by an anonymous author.
Suddenly thrust into the harsh reality of consciousness, you become acutely aware of your head. Specifically, your pulsating, throbbing head.
You try to open your eyes, but you’re too weak. There’s an unpleasant, distinct taste in your mouth but you can’t put your finger on what it is. Your brain is swimming in alcohol, making it hard to think. Then it hits you — it’s shame. The familiar, bitter taste of shame. And puzzlingly, chipotle ranch from Relish.
A dark cloud of regret settles over you. Honestly, it’s a curse that you remember as much as you do. You try to console yourself.
Hooking up with your TA isn’t THAT bad, is it? He’s only 38. That’s not that weird, right? And waking up spooning a hamburger wrapper is better than not spooning anything at all, right? Not to mention that you actually look surprisingly talented in that Snapchat of you grinding on that security guard.
Via: Cooking and Eating in Chicago
But try as you might, you just can’t convince yourself that you don’t regret group-texting your parents a selfie of you eating your second hamburger, poignantly captioned, “Help.” No amount of promising that you were sober can ever undo that damage.
You lie there, basking in your misery, letting it envelop you. Where did you go wrong? You used to be a good kid. You used to have your shit together. Old You never would have started crying when Pizza by the Slice slammed the window in your face.
And, you can be damn sure Old You never would have tried to pay for your taxi home with Crystal Light packets because you spent all your money on Zipperheads. How did you get to such a low point in your life? You have so many questions but so few answers.
Via: Someecards
But don’t fret —- there are several routes you can take to cleanse yourself of last night’s shame.
In fact, nine out of 10 scientists claim that Chick-fil-A produces endorphins and contains antioxidants that can help you forget how many times you Snapchatted pictures that you will never remember to your ex. Many experts recommend consuming at least 6 oz. of Chick-fil-A sauce, or if you have the means, using an IV to pump the fluid directly into your bloodstream for an enhanced effect.
Via: GirlPlusFood
If you happen to be a vegetarian or perhaps an alien who doesn’t enjoy the South’s best fast food establishment, there are alternatives to help diminish your hangover.
Reports have found that it is beneficial to wrap yourself in a cocoon of blankets and not move for an entire day. These reports factored in necessary movements of course, like using your finger to change what’s next on your Netflix cue is permissible. This method has been found to be very effective.
There is one last option. It is generally dismissed as ludicrous and has been shown to induce nausea and vomiting in a significant percentage of participants, although it has shown to be the most efficient hangover cure.
The idea is to engage in excessive physical motions in order to elevate your heart rate and burn calories. It is an ancient Greek practice called “exercise.” Apparently, it is somewhat beneficial to your mental and physical health to partake in this activity.
So you slowly roll out of bed, and do a quick assessment of yourself.
How did you manage to take your pants off if your wedges are still on? Was your shirt on inside out the whole night? Who is Bo, and why is his number written on your hand? You feel something crusty in your hair. Is that ketchup? God, you’re gross. This is a new low.
You decide that you’re never going out again. You lost your privileges. If you can’t go out and not lose your pants, then you can’t go out at all.
You’re too ashamed to make eye contact with yourself in the mirror as you attempt to brush the French fry residue from your teeth. You grab your phone to send your group text a picture of how shitty you look and glimpse the last text — “Sunday funday?” You sigh, but you already know the answer.
“Be there in 20. Gotta get this ketchup out of my hair first.”
Featured photo courtesy of: FanPop
