So, you broke up.
You’re going through two bottles of wine a night, playing your breakup anthem over and over and probably re-watching all 11 seasons of “Grey’s Anatomy.” Let me just intervene here and point out that one of the best things about breaking up is all the swag you get to keep. When I broke up with my first serious college boyfriend I, too, was eager to toss his clothes in a garbage bag and throw them at the front door of his frat house. Thankfully, my roommate was smart enough to persuade me out of this rash behavior.
So, ladies, step away from the bonfire you’re starting to burn his stuff in. When the smoke has cleared you’ll be glad you listened to me. Here’s a comprehensive list of the most important things you must steal from that no-good, loser, scumbag of an ex.
1. The Netflix Account
How are you going to re-watch all that “Grey’s Anatomy” without his Netflix password? Sure, you could invest in your own account, but it’s his fault you’re watching this much mindless television, so he should pay. When he asks who’s been watching “Gossip Girl” at 3 a.m. don’t bother responding to that text.
2. Toilet Paper
Okay, so I’m cheap. (No wonder I dated so many guys in a Jewish fraternity.) But, really, toilet paper is one of those expenses that just adds up. Plus, most of the time I forget to add it to the Publix list because I’m too busy buying cases of buffalo chicken dip. Did I swipe a lifetime supply of toilet paper rolls from my ex’s frat house? Maybe.
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3. The T-shirts
Not to be confused with the expensive sweater mentioned below. I live for free t-shirts (did I mention I’m cheap?). One of the biggest perks of dating is the expanded closet full of oversized t’s, plaid button downs and frat tanks. I cried more over losing his Rolling Stones shirt than losing him. When you’re choosing which t’s to steal, keep these guidelines in mind — anything with his letters on it, anything that looks good paired with sexy ripped jeans and anything that doubles as a dress.
4. Boxers (clean)
Does this one need any explanation? We all know men’s boxers are killing the women’s pajama game.
5. The Baseball Hat or Snapback
The only thing that looks better on your head than a floppy sun hat is his favorite baseball hat. This one might be tricky to get your hands on since he guards it like the Hope diamond, but I believe in you. Greater risk equals greater reward. Note: Please wash before wearing; no one wants to know where that nondescript brown stain came from.
Via: timeinc.net
6. Cologne you bought him
Is it just me, or is buying cologne the hardest girlfriend responsibility? Why are my nostrils going numb from inhaling sharply? Is this what it feels like to do cocaine? Okay, so maybe it’s just me. Sorry to all my girlfriends who were dragged to the mall and used as testers. Now, do you really want some other girl capitalizing on your legwork, sidling up to him and commenting on how good he smells? No, thank you. Spoiler: Most colognes work as perfume.
7. The expensive sweater
This one is the most dramatic theft on this list because it’s probably the most expensive item. If there’s one thing I excel at in relationships, it’s my ability to cultivate expensive taste while transforming my boyfriend’s wardrobe. It wasn’t until five minutes before my ex stopped by for one last “why did we break up/let’s get some closure” conversation that I noticed his expensive sweater (that I convinced him to buy) still in my laundry pile. As he walked up the stairs I made the quick decision to throw it in my closet. I will never regret this decision. You might ask: What could be more perfect on a crisp fall day than a cozy over-sized men’s sweater with your leggings and boots? Nothing, I respond. Absolutely nothing. Except, maybe, the sweet taste of revenge when your ex spots you across campus and a brief flash of recognition crosses his face.
Now, that’s what I call satisfaction.
Featured photo courtesy of: ibtimes.co.uk
