On the first day of June I found myself sitting on my couch, reluctantly watching the 2012 thriller, “Flight,” starring Denzel Washington. My mom hadn’t seen it, and I was going to do my best not to be the college graduate who comes home and acts like an asshole due to his newfound cynical perspective and growing hatred toward his first-grade teacher for blatantly lying to him when she said that, “Someday we all turn into butterflies.”
Within a month’s time, I graduated college, experienced an absurd Euro trip and, before I could take a moment to stop and be grateful, there I was, wearing a Gator tanktop and Crocs (Literally. That’s it. Oh, and go Gators!) asking my brother to pass the hummus and raise the volume (in order of importance).
My mom enthusiastically read a review on Rotten Tomatoes while my brother slammed his phone on the coffee table in what was clearly his ashamed admission that instead of just Wiki’ing who the director of “Flight” was, he had managed to read the entire plot summary without even realizing.
The movie begins. Denzel sluggishly awakens on a hotel bed.
“He’s on coke! That guy did cocaine!” I laughed.
My brother unemotionally confirms this while my mom makes some snarky comment about how it’s nice to know I learned something in college. All I heard was, “Oh, you were in a frat. That’s tight.”
The next day I started my internship, and the following Sunday I was wearing those same Crocs mowing the lawn.
*DISCLAIMER: Although it’s not proven that there is a direct relationship between Crocs, post-graduate depression, sexual frustration (just temporary, mad respect to J-Swipe) and an involuntarily gluten-free diet, when does a coincidence become fate?
Needless to say, I threw the Crocs away, but for some reason the same pair seemed to keep showing up on my doorstep. And that’s what this article is about. Spiritually possessed footwear, and how to get rid of it.
Via: Imgur
These are literally the thoughts you have when you graduate. You’re going to have a lot of thoughts and what you’ll soon realize is that writing a screenplay is really fucking hard. You can’t really just do it and sell it to Warner Bros. for 800 grand, and, if you feel like it, put a little star at the bottom saying:
I think Colin Ferrell should play the part of Jake, but make sure he doesn’t do any of that weird accent bullshit. And do the shit they did in “Benjamin Button” so he can play me as I grow old and it’s fine and people will appreciate it. And include a random scene of me (Colin, lol) riding a motorcycle in a nice-fitting leather jacket and have colorful trees or the Pacific Coast Highway be there. Heck, do both #greenscreenz. Oh, and have a dope bitch with her arms wrapped around me. Oh, and maybe Peter Dinklage in like a little attached car, just chilling eating a bag of Pirate’s Booty.
I was going to start this paragraph by saying that you can’t be scared to graduate, but I’m sure if you weren’t, you probably are now.
Listen, I’m doing fine. Don’t worry about me.
The point is that when was the last time you had a chance to recharge your batteries? To really embrace the brief period of boredom that you’ll probably encounter. It’s going to be tough to avoid some bad thoughts, but just remember that they’re not having as much fun as they look on Instagram and after returning from that “free trip” they won at work, they were fired.
I’m going to law school.
Featured photo courtesy of: alumniblog.ucr.edu
