Crystal Light. Tang. Kool-Aide. The powdered drink industry just got flipped upside down for the first time since, well, ever. Powdered alcohol is on it’s way.
Yes, alcohol in powder form is about to blow your pants off and it comes from the creatively named company, Palcohol. Just approved by the feds, Palcohol plans on releasing packets of powdered vodka, rum and mixed drinks as well, including Cosmopolitan and Mojito. Mixing the packets with five ounces of water or your favorite mixer is the equivalent of adding one shot.
Palcohol’ website suggests experimenting with adding it to food, like making alcoholic guac, and addresses the DB’s who already want to snort the stuff by just saying “Don’t do it!” Palcohol is about to change the worlds of both teenage drinking and hidden alcoholism. Look out, suburbs.
Movie Theaters
People already sneak in flasks, “water” bottles and outside candy, so why not make your alcohol consumption less conspicuous? You can buy a large soda, mix in your Palcohol once the lights dim and hope you don’t start screaming at the movie and get kicked out. Now you only have to sneak in the small powder packets instead of an entire bottle of wine in the inside pocket of your jacket. Don’t feel like drinking your alcohol? Sprinkle it on your popcorn and enjoy the film.
Dorm Parties
Gone are the days of putting a handle in your string backpack, hoping your RA doesn’t see you, looking for imaginary authority figures around campus on your trek from Broward to Graham to watch “Game of Thrones” and take a sip every time Joffery’s an asshole. Stick the party in your pocket and high five the nice people at the front desk on your way out. They have to deal with a lot. Be nice to them.
Moms
Moms deal with a lot of shit. Literal shit for the first three years. Infamous for their white wine consumption, they deserve a drink every now and again. Maybe she needs a drink while she waits for her son at karate, or while she’s at Mommy and Me or in a parent-teacher conference. Moms can just mix it into their water or coffee and go on with their day (hopefully they don’t have to drive anyone to soccer practice soon).
Diets
Each packet only contains about 80 calories. That’ll motivate you to eat that sad, little salad.
Party Favors
Imagine you’re hosting a party. Everyone comes. They drink your alcohol. They eat your roommate’s food, break a piece of furniture and leave. Everyone has a great time, but those guys with the face tattoos you didn’t invite brought enough alcohol to sedate a grizzly bear and now you’re stuck with all this Sköll you’re never gonna drink because you have self respect. Skip the handle and go for the powder. If face tattoo guys bring their own handles, just hand out those packets as guests stumble out the front door. Also, make sure someone’s with them. Safety first.
High School
I see it now. A group of four high schoolers congregating in the handicap stall of the bathroom by the Spanish classrooms. The cool kid whose older brother bought him one single Palcohol packet mixes the one packet of vodka (the equivalent of one shot) into a 12 ounce water bottle. They all take turns taking “pulls” and return to class.
They’ve all now consumed one fourth of a shot and enough water to sober them up before they even swallow it. Cool Kid said it turns water in vodka (wrong), and now they think they’re drunk in class. But they’re cool, so it’s cool. They repeat this ritual every Thursday and the occasional Wednesday until they get caught and the principal has to have an assembly about the dangers of under-age drinking. Don’t be cool, kids.
Pranks
Mix it into your friend’s protein powder. Mix it into the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. You get the idea. Proceed with caution though. My family still hasn’t forgiven me for soaking the watermelon in Everclear before the last family picnic (Grandpa got hurt doing a cartwheel).
Starbucks
Starbucks recently announced they will have an evening alcohol menu, but for all those other hours where you just need to chill out, make all your coffees Irish.
Airplanes
Four ounces of liquid is not enough to knock you out, and you sure as hell are not going to pay for those tiny half-shot bottles they pass for a “drink” in coach. Well, guess what? Palcohol is not liquid! Bring enough for the flight! They have water. They have juice. They even have peanuts for when you get to the drunk-eating stage (if the flight is long enough). You can even entertain yourself once you’re past security and you need something stronger (or less expensive) than that weird uppity wine bar that seems to be plaguing our airports.
Possibilities of Palcohol are limitless. The way we sneak alcohol around is about to change forever and you heard it here first. Powder responsibly.
Featured photo courtesy of: DiscoverMagazine
