So, I thought it’d be a fun idea to write about how our health implications in our 50’s and 60’s probably don’t look so great, and at the rate that we are drinking and slowly destroying our bodies, we’ll probably be forced to have some sort of amputation before we have grandchildren. But then I was all like “Nah, that shit is mad sad,” how about we just ignore all of that and instead we can discuss some potential ways to continue our disgusting social habits while limiting the long term damage as best we can. Yes!
But really, before we get to some helpful tips that will help preserve our liver and keep our skin milky and tight, let me just break down a rather large misconception, not to scare you, but just to explain to you why your mom gives you such a big hug when you come home from school.
Eating clean and going to the gym makes it okay that you black out at least three days a week and snort random chemicals that your boy got from a guy named “Sneaky Lou”.
False. While it’s very nice that you’re doing your tricep extensions and look freaking awesome in a tank top, the arteries to your brain are destroyed and that’s why you were taking body shots out of your own belly button last night.
Pedialyte and a Gatorade will not fix you.
Wait, but you take fish oil too?
Child, please.
While I can’t sit here and tell you to stop behaving the way you do, especially if you’re a freshman, and especially if you’re not, I can discuss some of the things we can all do for damage control.
•Buy Milk Thistle
It’s cheap and it works. It’s an anti oxidant and anti-inflammatory that protects your liver. It’s not a shield, you don’t need to take it before you drink, just take a few after a rough night, drink lots of water, and your pee will stop looking like pudding. Hate it when that happens, right guys? ….
•Moisturize.
All day, every day, all the time, start now, go, seriously, now.
All the horrible things you’ve been doing to yourself are going to start to take a toll if they haven’t already. I know you don’t care about your liver function, but you definitely care about your vanity. Load up every time you get out of the shower, I use a fat ass tub of Cetaphil for my body and penis and any type of manly smelling shit for my face. Kiehl’s, Loccataine, it all works, better yet, buy a Birchbox subscription. My last delivery had a cooking apron in, it’s not gay dude.
You can do a whole bunch of other stuff like using eye cream for wrinkles or bathing in canoli cream, but I’ll save that for another time.
•Read books
It’ll keep your mind stimulated. Watching an informative documentary is not an equivalent. Library west has everything, just do the standard google search, “best books of the decade” or “books that will make me get girls instead of guys” and start cranking them out.
• “Don’t be a little bitch”
Most of my friends would probably just say that. I’ve tried this tactic before. Sometimes it works great; I’ll wake up feeling horrible, chug some Pepto Bismol, shave my eye brows, make a pop tart, grab a beer and have sex with 4 girls before 2 pm. It’s great!
But most of the time, it’s wake up, feel like shit, chug some Pepto Bismol, shave my eye brows, make a pop tart, burn the roof of my mouth and cry about it.
Sometimes it’s better just to be a little bitch.
Take care of yourself.
