“It’s Bahama Mama time man!” said the local Bahamian on Wednesday morning at 9:30.
Hearing those words at that same damn time on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday made me want to vomit more and more each day. “Bahama Mama” quickly became less of a visual image of a fat Bahamian/Hawaiian woman in a hoola skirt and more of what it really was; the shit storm of a drink that would swiftly be known as the collapse to nearly everyone’s dignities. Great start.
So if you haven’t figured it out, yes, I ventured out to the Bahamas this break with about 60 of my friends, which was inevitably a recipe for disaster.
I’d like to welcome you to the point in my life where I’ve confirmed in almost every way, shape, and form that I am the real life version of the Truman Show. My dreams can’t even compete with what’s been happening in my life for the last 20 years and it’s all come to fruition after this last week.
The poor people at Pelican Bay had no idea what was coming their way as a hotel that was originally designed for quiet vacationers and business persons was over run by a bunch of boisterous college spring breakers.
Instead of telling you what I did or what to do if you ever find yourself in the Grand Bahamas, I’m going to give you 5 tips that I feel like after going on a trip of this caliber, I have been bestowed the privilege of handing out to the active public.
Tip #1: Avoid the Casino. At all costs.
“$100 on red and we’re swimming with the dolphins!”
“Black 24.”
Never again. I feel like casinos are potentially the most callous establishments in the world. They are vicious and they prey upon the most susceptible human emotion, one of the seven deadly sins, greed. Yeah, maybe you’re hot and you won $80 real quick because you don’t have a lot of money to blow at these places so $50 = 15 meals back in Gainesville. But let me tell you, there’s got to be something in the air at those places. I walked out all 4 days of that casino with my best friends in my arms grunting and complaining about all the money we lost. And of course there’s always that asshole that shows everyone up and makes a killing in one day. Yeah? Well I got ice cream that was a mix of both cookie dough AND Oreos, so I had $1500 of fun anyway…I don’t need money to be happy…
Tip #2: Seafood is to Alcohol as Mentos are to Soda.
For those who clearly had hookups at the admissions office at UF, that translates into: Your throw up could be sold at an art gallery on the largest canvas in the building as an “abstract” piece due to color distortion and consistency displacement. Honestly, the two just don’t mix, ever.
Tip #3: Never pass up a free drink, never waste a good beach day, and never trust a Bahamian named “Dolly Boy.”
When you decide to travel in a herd instead of in packs for your Spring Break, you tend to carry a little more leverage in conversation, and having some of the biggest schmoozers I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing really took us a long way. Being able to tell the bartender, “Hey, I’m coming back here later tonight with 50 other people, make sure you treat us well,” with a quirky scumbag wink after, happens to work wonders. After a gorgeous day out on the beach where unsurprisingly enough everyone has managed to make fools of themselves before noon, a night at the bar with free shots and a man named “Dolly Boy” urging everyone to “come with him” behind the bar for periods of 2-4 minutes really makes you put your hands in your head and question what in the world your life is. I’ve decided for myself: My life is hilarious. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tip #4: Hotel Facilities “off-hours” rules must be obeyed from now on.
Let’s face it, nothing good ever happens after midnight, only the craziest most fucked up shit happens after midnight. Hot tubs turn into public baths, cigarettes are being smoked at a pace that people are mistaking them for French fries, and the innocent couple in 108 are getting woken up by the sloppy spring break “couple” throwing themselves around looking like they’re fighting over a box of pringles. After an incident that lead to the hotel draining its hot tub after the first night, it was safe to say that a “Pool Closed” sign was a nice way of giving us the big old Bahamian finger. Remember: Don’t do anything momma wouldn’t do. #nocandyforlent #yeahright
Tip #5: Enjoy every single waking second of your life.
Those 5 days in the Bahamas were the craziest, most absurd, ridiculous days I’ve ever had in my life and may ever have for the rest of my life…and I’m kind of okay with that. What really made this trip so great was the people I got to spend it with and the memories we created that are forever burned into my brain. Life is ridiculously short, one day to an eleven-year old is 1/4,000 of their life while one day to a fifty-five year old represents 1/20,000 of their life. Time is the only thing in this world that we can’t buy more of, we can’t recreate, and we absolutely cannot waste. I blew so much money on this trip I’ve been eating Blue Bell cheese and bread for the last week and I can honestly say I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hope your spring break was just as awesome as mine and if it wasn’t…
Pelican Bay at Lucaya Sea Horse Road at Port Lucaya Lucaya, Grand Bahama Island, The Bahamas
Phone: (242) 373-9550
#happystpaddysday
