If the Midtown Bars Were Personified
Walking into Midtown is like walking into a forest of fog.
Half of the time you don’t know where you are, nothing around you can be seen clearly, you’re screaming for a friend or searching for a place that makes you less confused and you always end up hunting for food in the end. If you’re in the mood for anything even remotely chill, don’t breach this territory.
The Midtown bars have supported us through countless nights of face plants, blackouts, hookups, breakups and friendship-buliding via the women’s restroom. They have supplied us with the happiest hours of our lives and the worst hours of our mornings.
And for this, we can all see a friend in the Midtown bars — or maybe even a little bit of ourselves.
If Cantina was actually a girl named Tina, she would be the girl in class who does a wonderful job at presenting herself during the day, but takes one shot and turns into Britney Spears circa 2007 at night. She’s classy, but incredibly crazy when tequila hits. She’s able to remain graceful even when a drunk guy spills beer down her back. Tina is your bitch to party with, as she has the unfiltered urge to unleash her wild side. She’s the girl you call when you want to party and everyone else is being lame because you know she’s always down to drink — just give her a time, a place and a secure ride home.
Swamp is the guy that has learned nothing but how to conquer the 30-second keg stand and give really half-assed oral in his four (five…six??) years of college. Button-downs, Chubbies and Sperry’s are the only three types of clothing items in his closet. His favorite term to begin a sentence with is “bro” and it’s probable that he got a tattoo (or brand) of his frat letters on his ass during pledgeship. He claims that he doesn’t want to “get serious” with a girl in college, so he utilizes Snapchat chat on the reg. He’s self-centered and wastes money on things you didn’t even know you could find online. He doesn’t have to worry about how much he parties because he’ll end up working at his dad’s law firm and letting the frat legacy live on. Regardless of just how much you want to punch him in the face sometimes, he can drink and handle his own. Plus, he has the nicest house to party in.
Balls is the guy friend you would never bring home to the parents. You’ve known him since high school and his level of crazy never seemed to plateau. He’s wild, reckless and is probably the guy you need to bring to the ER at 3 a.m. because he decided that sneaking onto the Gator football field to do a backflip was a good idea. He has no filter and is the guy that everyone loves to hate. He’s the person you look to when your life is falling to ruin and none of your shit is together, because no matter how bad it seems for you at the moment, his life will always be worse. You love him for all his dysfunctional tendencies because that’s what makes him, well, him. And trust me, he lets his freak flag fly high.
Grog is the girl who twerks in a grocery store line while waiting behind a family on a Sunday morning. She is loud, outspoken, ruthless and brutally honest to everyone she meets. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, she will always look like she just came back from Ultra. Part of you wonders if she uses vodka as mouthwash because she always reeks of it. She’s the girl who never goes to gym with you, and if she does, you’ll find her passed out on the yoga mat or trying to talk to the hot guy bench pressing. She’s always the star of your Snapchat story. Dating has never been her thing, but she loves a good Tinder match. You would suggest AA, but part of you loves her alcoholic and non-judgmental demeanor. If you want to rally and rage, she’s the one you always call.
Rowdy is the “girl’s guy.” She has only two good female friends and about 20 male friends. She drinks like a guy, talks like a guy, has the mentality of a guy, but every guy would still bang her after a couple drinks. You’re never afraid to be yourself around her because she’s so down to earth. She can drink a pitcher by herself and actually understands all the rules of sports. Drinking with her is great because she is just the right amount of crazy and can drink like a warrior. She is the girl who can drink all day but still end up where she needs to be at the end of the night: on a rando’s couch.
Fats is the girl who knows the exact hour that you should post on any social media platform to get the most likes. She knows about all the trends and cares about them in ways that you can never fully understand. When she drinks, she talks mainly about herself and the current boy problem she is facing. But when you need a wing women, she will sell you like no other. She will introduce you to any guy/girl you want and act like it’s a make or break business deal. We need friends like Fats. She may be conceded and semi-rude to bartenders, but she’ll point out your best strengths right before she cuts you off to tell her next story.
Salty Dog Saloon
Salty is the guy who graduated from UF about five years ago and still lives in Gainesville. He tells you that grad school may still be a viable option and that he’s still young and life is still filled with opportunities. Every other week he tells you about a new startup he wants to begin or an app he think would be cool to develop. You know his words are just words and the only thing he’s willing to commit to is his whiskey and favorite bar stool. He prides himself on being able to out-drink everyone, but always seems to be the one at the end of the night who you have to call an Uber ride home for because the bartender is yelling at him for passing out on the bar again. You need him to remind you that adulthood happens. You need him to understand that while your youth is still present, there will come a time when you need to get the fuck out of Midtown.