Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Assholes: Gabriel Struss, Anna Marie Anastasi, and Anastasi’s Daughter
Whoa now. This one’s a doozy. Gather ’round, young readers, while I tell you yet another yarn about the evils that lie just beyond, in the darkness.
This one has a large cast of characters so bear with me, okay?
Anna Marie Anastasi is a 42-year-old mother and wife. Her 13-year-old daughter (unnamed because she’s a minor) is the girlfriend of 18-year-old Gabriel Struss. Anastasi and her husband — the two of them, together — share a 25-year-old lover named Jacqueline Riggs.
Are you following? Okay.
Jacqueline Riggs lives in their basement. She is their little sex toy. The married couple frequently joins her in the basement for a good three-way pounding. This is their thing.
Recently, however, Anastasi has been getting nudged out of the love triangle. She’s been a benched while her husband slams the young stranger..and she ain’t happy about that. So, what does she do? She recruits the help of her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend to murder the two in the basement!
First off, it’s totally unfair, like most murder is. If you play with fire, you’re gonna get burnt. Everyone knows three-ways are tricky, especially when two out of the three are in a legitimate relationship. You have to make it a one-time deal, or else things like this will happen.
If you ask me, Anastasi is just a sore loser. It’s like when you were a little kid and your friend wanted to play a videogame, but then turned it off as soon as soon as he realized you were better than him.
“Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.” My aunt would always tell me that back in the day when she would come over to the house solely to beat Super Mario World on our Super Nintendo. That’s a true story. She was supposed to be feeding us and taking care of us, but nah, she’d just find Princess Peach and let us eat dead cicadas from the lawn.
It seems like romance is a very wild thing in the Anastasi household. Hell, they allow their 13-year-old daughter to thrash gash with a legal adult. And what kind of precedent is this setting for your kids? That you can settle all of your quarrels with a blam-blam?
They say that in theU.S., 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. You know what? I’ll take that over the alternative: being shot in a basement while my nubile lover gets stabbed to death.
All that being said, though, it’s a hell of a tragedy. Kind of romantic and passionate if you think about it. This could be a Shakespearean play, honestly, except it needs more ghosts and kings to make things get really crazy. Also, it needs me to be barely awake while analyzing it in a high school English class.
But at the same time, kudos to Anastasi. She’s gotta be one helluva persuasive speaker to convince her daughter and a strange boy to help out with murder. I’ve a hard enough time convincing my roommate it’s his turn to do the dishes. Right now I’m just silently protesting. The dirty plates have reached the ceiling.
One more thing: You gotta wonder how the sex was. Anastasi liked Riggs’ wu-tang so much she killed for it. And the good sex must’ve just permeated through house because when the plan was pitched to Struss and the daughter (a couple who was having great, awesome statutory rape sex themeslves) they were just like, “Of course we’ll help you murder people. Of course.”
People do crazy things to get that nut. But aye, that’s planters for ya.
Hero: Westboro Baptist Church
Remember when your jabroni ass thought that “The Dark Knight” was the greatest movie to ever exist? You even constantly quoted that line that goes, “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Well, turns out if you live long enough you can actually become the hero again.
Let me explain.
On the morning of October 19, members of the Westboro Baptist Church — you know, that church that’s notorious for “hating fags” and deciding who gets to go to hell — were seen outside protesting the infamous Kim Davis.
If you don’t know who Kim Davis is, please check yoself before you wreck yoself. She’s that slug lady that denied same sex marriage certificates in Kentucky and became a national hero slash villain.
Well, Westboro Baptist was fed up with her. They went and picketed outside her workplace shouting that she was a hypocrite.
Oh your hear me right, wise young one. WB Church, on their very sturdy moral foundation, shouted that Davis was a hypocrite for preaching about the sanctity of marriage while she herself has gone through numerous husbands.
I’ll be damned. When I heard this news, I wanted to stand on a chair and cheer. It makes you wonder, what other shitty things should we have just waited out?
My first thought is the Manson Party. Yeah, yeah, yeah they broke into houses and raped and murdered and whatever. But imagine if we had waited. I heard rumors about a disco funk album in the works and I, for one, would have been stoked to hear ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” replaced with Chuck’s “Dancing Spleen.”
Another thing we could have waited out? Pompeii. I know, I know, as soon as thousands were covered and suffocated in ashy sepulchers you’d think that’s about it, right? Well, not so. Had we waited long enough and not cleaned up anything, bacteria would have formed on the ash. That bacteria would become a key component in curing — you guessed it — really hot seat belts in the summer. The bacteria would have been made into a spray and with one spritz your car would be nice and cool to sit in.
Another thing we should have waited out was, and I’m just brainstorming at this point, the assassination of JFK. We should have just left his brains where they were and his body half slumped over the seat. I don’t know what would’ve or could’ve happened, but I have a strong feeling it would have been gnarly.
Readers, what I’m saying is that we can’t always write people off to be assholes immediately. Things change.
Have you ever read Taoism? If not, open up a book and get learned. There’s evil and there’s good, but the two Koi swim in the same pond. Ying Yang twins, motherfucker! You’ve never seen that? Look at any 20-year-old sorority girl’s back and it’ll be there, right under her neck, to the left of the side rib, a tattoo that says, “Hope is the thing with feathers.”
Guys, I don’t know. Fuck Westboro Baptist Church but also leave them alone. I don’t know. Yeah sure, they propagate saplings of hate that will one day bloom into a forest of abominations but like, personally, I can’t be bothered to hate anyone really.
Except for people that snore while they’re awake. And people that cut the line. And people that Bible thump. And people that are atheists. And Neil deGrasse Tyson. Fuck his Tyson strips, they ain’t shit.
I hate racists and homophobes too, but I also can’t stand people that shove their progressive ideals down your throat, you know? Like, I get it. I’m all for civil rights. But stop snapping and going “Yass queen” anytime someone says something empowering.
Also, the second season of “Broad City” wasn’t even good. Also “American Horror Story” is garbage. Pretty irrelevant, I know, but if I didn’t use this obscure soapbox to it’s full potential, I would be doing myself a disservice. And I do myself enough as it is (I’m so lonely).
P.S. I’ve seen the emails you send about me. At me next time, sweetie. (@NahitsjustAlex)
Featured photo courtesy of: Ain’t No God