Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: Olive Garden
According to this article from the Huff Post (I know, sue me), an on-duty police officer clad in uniform was asked to leave an Olive Garden in Independence, Mo. because restaurant policy doesn’t allow guns.
Shame on you, OG. Shame on you.
In this restless and high-strung time, you’re going to close your doors on an officer? Do you know what you’ve done? Now he’s going to be on the streets beating black kids with endless nightsticks.
Couldn’t you, just this time, turn your cheek on the “no guns” rule and let this officer join in on the supposed family-style Italian atmosphere you lay claim to? Is it too much to ask for you to set up a controversial double standard so this guy can celebrate his birthday with some rigatoni and gelato in a martini glass?
Wow, Olive Garden. Wow.
I remember one time you didn’t let me in because I was holding thirty live grenades. I thought that was ridiculous and that you were being unfair, but now I know what unfairness really is.
It kinda makes you realize all the unjust bullshit cops have to go through right? I mean, between this and constantly having to cover up their chest camera, I guess they do have it pretty rough, huh?
I traveled to Missouri to get a better scoop on this situation and spoke to a local black youth who works at the Best Buy next door. His name is Jason.
“When I found out he got rejected from the Olive Garden, I was so upset. I had to sprint to my car at break neck speed because Officer Holsworth saw me and he was so ready to beat me. Ugh. That guy loves beating me. It’s his favorite. Well, second favorite next to Olive Garden’s endless soup and salad combo,” Jason reported.
“Why do you think he was particularly upset?” I asked Jason.
“Well, the thing about Officer Holsworth is that he loves bringing his gun to places,” Jason said. “One time I was helping a woman with her groceries and he just shoved the gun at me and told me to get on the ground. He’s so zany sometimes. One time my friend was eating dinner and Officer Holsworth just showed up and dropped a ton of guns and crack in his living room, only to come back later with more cop buddies and frame him. So wacky, that guy.”
“How do you feel about the Olive Garden that turned him away?” I asked.
“I just wish they had served him. He’s going to be taking it out on us for like a week.”
Hero: Jason Russell Jump
According to this article, homeboy Jason Russell Jump was recently arrested for the murder of his landlord, 54-year-old wheelchair-bound James V. Johns.
So why is he the hero of the week, you ask? Well you fucking sloth, this guy finally said what everyone was trying to comprehend.
He announced that he was possessed by the spirit of Jay Z.
Some psychologists claim Jump is merely feigning schizophrenia so he can skip trial and go straight to the padded cell. Jump has “Jesus Christ” tattooed on his forehead and consistently calls himself the “Son of Man.” What’s more is that he debunked Jay Z’s secret and is writing a tell-all about his possession by the rap mogul.
The moment I read this headline, I didn’t doubt Jump for a goddamn second. Jay Z has even admitted it himself. Look at the lyrics on his track “Izzo (H.O.V.A.):
“H to the izz-O, I am a Lizzo
Fo’ shizzle my nizzle,
I live inside a terrarium.
H to the izz-O, I’m a bearded dragon.
Fa shizzle ma nazzle,
I often eat bugs.”
I mean hello! How much more obvious can it get? And we’re just going to blindly throw this man in prison when he’s obviously trying to save us? You guys must not even know what it’s like to be possessed. One time I was possessed by Simon & Garfunkel and for a week I could only eat parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. It was a nightmare.
But you know, it’s pretty typical of the police officers to shut down the only guy that opened his damn eyes. If you ask me, our nation’s idolatry of celebrities has probably gone through the roof. I can’t open up any news site today without being bombarded about Beyonce’s thighs or what Kylie Jenner has been up to lately. It’s insanity.
Have you guys ever considered that Jump murdered that man to make a statement? A statement about our role in the wasteland that is American Culture? Jay Z may be king of the rap game, but we can’t let him be the king of our lives too!
Listen, I’ve been saying it in nearly every Asshole/Hero post: STAY WOKE. And then the one guy to turn a spotlight on the illuminati gets freaking busted. Shaking my damn head.
Featuring photo courtesy of: Big Stock