Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
If you were expecting an Asshole/Hero covering the recent terrorist attacks in Paris (and all over the Middle East), you may be barking up the wrong tree.
Although yes, this column is a humorist takedown of serious subject matter and it may seem that the ISIS attack on France would be the perfect fodder for such…ill-timed comedy. But alas, folks, like a machine with a billion cogs, to take out one cog and examine its teeth is to ignore the ones before it that pushed, and the ones after it that were set in motion.
I could go on all day about fuck ISIS this, that and the other thing, but the simple truth is this: I’d have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. I mean with everything going on in Syria, the history of Wahhabism, Sunni Muslims vs. whatever other Muslims, I’d be simply regurgitating ideas and notions that have been fed to me by the fucking media, maaaann.
That’s not to say I’m an ISIS sympathizer or anything, but I think a true mark of intelligence is recognizing one’s own naïveté.
I like to make fun of things, I understand, folks. I’m a noble man with noble principles. But let me say one more thing before I get started on this actual article. Fuck right off if you’re rolling eyes right now. Stop acting like you’re some politically savvy foreign affairs expert. We all know you read half an article on The Atlantic and the rest you heard from your dad in the car ride to soccer practice.
You don’t know dick.
Also, philosophically speaking, it’s a fallacy to comment and ridicule the workings of another culture and ideology when you’re on the outside. It’s not logical because you have an entirely different perception of things.
I’m not here to say who’s right and who’s wrong or if there’s an absolute truth about anything (although killing innocent people seems pretty fucked up – but they may not be considered innocent in the eyes of the killers…am I making any sense???).
Whatever. Fuck you.
Here is a list of people whom I know for a FACT are terrorists:
- Dude at Subway that doesn’t wear gloves when making my sandwich
- Kid in class that still has a rolling backpack in fucking college
- Frank “ISIS Leader” O’Malley
- Boy from my neighborhood that let his hamster roll in that ball down a hill
- My mom when she told me that I needed to “Stop playing so much game box and study more.”
- A girl I once knew that said, “You don’t believe in trigger warnings because nothing traumatizing happened to you,” as if she fucking knew my life. I mean she has no room to talk, the worst thing that happened to her was that someone made fun of her Dr. Who backpack.
- A few guys I overheard once who were workshopping their Tinder bios aloud
- Donovan “Let’s Start A Global Jihad” Burkowitz
- Anybody that has a AK-47, probably
- When I was a younger I thought al-Qaeda was a place on the map and a kid quickly corrected me…I mean, how would he know so well, huh?
- I saw a guy shotgun Four Loko once. Why does he need so much energy? To carry rockets???
- Dan Bilzerian
Hero: Kimberly Yam
Who is Kimberly Yam? Oh you know, just another fucking clickbait-ass article writer for the Huffington Post.
I’m so glad and grateful that in a time of chaos and confusion she can still write some clicky ass-bait ass-bullshit like “Military Homecoming Has Touching Surprise Twist at the End.” Like fucking really, Kimberly? Thank you so much, I mean, really, thank you so much for giving me this article to click.
The second headline says, “This will remind you to salute the members of our military.” Don’t I have enough things to worry about? Apparently not. Thanks Ms. Yam, for guilt tripping me into saluting the fucking ROTC guys I see on campus.
I didn’t even read the article but here are some predictions as to what is the surprise twist. (P.S. No. 6 will blow your mind):
- The kid is the soldier the whole time. When the dad comes out and hugs his daughter, she snaps his neck, peels off his mask, and boom – it’s a cryo-Stalin.
- The dad has been dead the whole time.
- The kid was dead the whole time.
- They were both dead the whole time.
- When the kid hugs the dad, he says, “The deed is done. Can I be reborn now?” and the kid goes, “Samsara is real.” And then poof! The dad is a baby that will be raised as the kid’s little brother.
- The kid, after hugging her dad, says, “Why aren’t you injured? What soldier comes back uninjured? Did you even fight?”
- The dad hugs the kid then goes and beats the mom. The kid watches this, becomes jaded and heartless, grows up and enters the military.
- The dad says, “When I die, I want to made into a gun,” and the kid looks up, teary eyed, and says, “Just like mom.” The dad goes, “Whaaaatttt?” and the kid leaps back, draws a snub nose .38 revolver and blasts off three shots right through the dad’s chest. He falls to knees, sees the blood run from between fingers like his grandma’s favorite red yarn, and he falls face forward into the dirt of the front lawn knowing, deep in his pierced heart, it was all coming to this.
Featured photo courtesy of: Photobucket