Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: Fidel Lopez
According to this insane article by CBS News, a Florida man named Fidel Lopez has been charged for the confessed murder of his 31-year-old girlfriend, Maria Nemeth.
But what’s new about that? Men murder women all the time, right? Well, this one was a tad more bizarre, as it involved Lopez describing himself as a “monster” after looking at the carnage he caused.
You see, the couple was having some good ole fashioned tequila sex in the closet of Nemeth’s apartment when she committed quite the sexual faux pas. Nemeth, caught up in the rapture of it all, screamed out her ex-husband’s name…TWICE. Lopez, in an understandable rage, disemboweled her.
Did I catch you off guard? Well it’s true. The guy flew off the handle and started banging holes in the wall and punching and shattering things. After he was done, he returned to Nemeth’s body in the closet and found her unconscious. Then he started assaulting her body and jamming bottles and curling irons up her vagina. After that, he jammed his arm up there, all the way up to his elbow, and tore out her intestines.
After that, he dumped her body in the bathtub and tried to splash some water on her so she could wake up and, you know, walk it off. But she was definitely dead.
He then called the police and confessed everything.
If you ask me, this sounds like a really dark K-Y Jelly commercial. His & Hers Lubricant could’ve made the whole eviscerating way smoother, sensual even.
But I gotta hand it to Lopez: turning himself in takes guts. A coward would’ve run off, but not him. Now justice can be de-livered.
When Nemeth’s ex-husband was asked for comment he smirked and said, “She still thinks about me, huh?”
Flowing water was on found on Mars, folks! You heard it here first (unlikely, but it’s true).
According to this New York Times article that I didn’t read, NASA has confirmed that flowing water has been spotted and identified on Martian mountaintops. Is that not the most futuristic thing you’ve read? It’s really good news to hear because I need a new place to bathe considering my tub just hired Johnny Depp to play the lead in “Black Mold.”
I’m kidding, but seriously, now I have an incentive to actually wash my bed sheets. Although, after I smuggle them to my new Martian colony, I doubt I’ll be allowed to dunk my yellowed bed spread into the water supply. I guess I won’t be fully satisfied until we find Maytags in the mountaintops too.
Just like an Earthling, right? Never satisfied.
But for real, guys, this is huge news. When I told my mom they found water on Mars, she insisted I take a break and that I drink some of the water because she thinks I’m dehydrated.
And to be honest, I’m freaking parched. Destroying this planet really takes a toll on you, you know? I’m still sweating from my weekly Styrofoam Barbeque. I’m really looking forward to just ripping into that new planet. Gonna haze that little bitch real good.
Another exciting thing is that with the confirmation of water comes the very strong suspicion of finding alien life forms! Pretty pumped to be there for the first Extra Terrestrial Trail of Tears. We’re gonna kick those guys so far out of their home it’ll make their three heads spin. Those aliens are all rapists and hoodlums anyway, that’s a cold hard fact.
What I’m more concerned about is that when we all Noah’s Ark our way over there, what will the traveling situation be? If I’m going to be in hyper-sleep or stasis or whatever, it shouldn’t be a problem. It only took the New Horizons Probe (the one that recently passed Pluto) about 40 days to reach Mars.
Let me just say that if it’s a 40-day road trip, I’m going to need a new CD case to hold my Janelle Monae collection. I’m an electric lady, dammit.
Wait a fucking minute. When we all go to Mars, it’ll be a 40-day trip. The Israelites traveled for 40 days with Moses. They were fleeing the seven plagues of Egypt….Earth has seven continents.
Is Mars our promised land? Stay woke, my friends.
Featured photo courtesy of: Devian Art