Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Guys, I’m heated. Maybe irrationally, maybe very rationally. But I promise my opinion will be the unpopular one.
I recently saw an article circulating the interwebs about the Anna Rexia costume. This whole month I’ve been seeing tons of articles about this type of thing. Don’t dress up as Native Americans. Don’t wear Chinese garb. “I’m a culture not a costume” type of thing.
To an extent, yeah I get it. It’s pretty dumb to see people walking around wearing headdresses and blackface definitely isn’t cool. But I really think all of these things can be forgotten for the one night of Halloween.
HEAR ME OUT. PUT DOWN THE TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS.
Doesn’t it seem kind of strange that for one night of the year we’re supposedly allowed to be anything we want that we think is amusing, cool, funny or weird…but now we can’t?
The whole idea of Halloween is to be irreverent, ghoulish and excessive. The very holiday is rooted in the idea that mischief walks around for one night and the devilish sides of people get to come out and play.
Sure, sure, there is fun in being something safe like a train or a banana or, I don’t know, bricks. But people also like to have fun by dressing up as something shocking: Caityln Jenner, Anna Rexia, uh…a Nazi? But that’s the whole idea – on this one night you’re allowed to do that. You shouldn’t be allowed to make a judgment call on someone’s character by what they dress up as for a holiday that’s designed to be ridiculous.
The people that cast hate on someone for being silly, dumb or irreverent on a night that promotes all of those things are just buzz kills. It doesn’t make sense to me that it’s okay to dress up as a serial killer or a chainsaw-wielding maniac dragging a chain of baby skulls, but I can’t dress up as Confucius.
It’s like, what are the scales here? We seem way out of balance. It’s more offensive to wear a sombrero than it is to be John Wayne Gacy, whom actually murdered and raped a ton of kids? I don’t get where the divide is. Why can’t I wear a sombrero because I know that on normal days I wouldn’t be able to, and that this is my one chance because I really fucking want to? Will I have to go my whole life never knowing the joy of wearing one?
It’s a holiday designed for excess for pete’s sake. Candy, booze, skin, food and exaggerations of everything. Giant spiders, bats, Jackie-O’s with spooky faces carved in them, blood-themed punch, worms and severed heads litter people’s front lawns and cover their homes…but two little kids can’t play cowboys and Indians because it’s offensive?
We’re all getting hung up on the most nitpicky bullshit while still allowing a literal bacchanalian blood carnival to become an acceptable aspect of society.
“But Alex,” you may say, “the blood and guts is to promote fear, not to offend cultures.”
And to that I say you’re being patronizing. If anything, it’s foolish to think an entire culture will be offended by the vague and silly (and most often innocent) donning of a costume that has about as much strength as any throwaway stereotype. If you think a Native American costume is going to offend anyone to the point of more than an eye roll, then you think way too highly of your own influence.
I’ve even been seeing “CULTURE, NOT A COSTUME” signs for witch costumes, usually held by offended Pagans and Wiccans, and even one of Hermione Granger holding a picture of a “sexy Hermione Granger” costume. (Although, that one looks severely photoshopped).
But like…that is 100% a costume.
That’s a fictional character from a fictional world. Emma Watson is literally wearing a costume to become Hermione Granger. But it’s wrong to wear a different version of that? Even if it’s the woman’s choice to wear a more revealing version? It blows me away. I don’t get it. What are the rules here, people!?
Let’s just all go as fucking bricks and hunks of cheese then. Or just quit Halloween altogether. Somehow the most irreverent, ghoulish and tongue-in-cheek night of the year turned into the most dystopian one of them all.
Everyone is the asshole this Halloween, apparently. You all are assholes for barking out orders about who can wear what on a holiday when we’re encouraged to wear anything they want. And everyone else is an asshole for wearing whatever they want on a holiday when we’re all encouraged to wear anything. And I’m the stinkiest asshole for using 750 words to shout at no one. Everyone just fuck off.
He’s the only one allowed to do what he wants anymore.
Featured photo courtesy of: Gunaxin