Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: “Pastor” Joshua Feuerstein
Hopefully by now you’ve all seen the stupid controversy over Starbucks’ holiday red cups.
Convinced that the lack of snowy Christmas designs on the cups is a direct assault on their religion, Christians have started “boycotting” the franchise by ordering a coffee and saying their name was “Merry Christmas,” forcing the barista (who certainly couldn’t care less) to say the jolly phrase.
All of this was started by a guy named Joshua Feuerstein who is, supposedly, a former pastor and self-proclaimed social media icon. He recently made a video rallying everyone to be pissed about the cups and do the silly little “Merry Christmas” prank.
This man is a fool. He’s an intolerant bigot and has somehow, with his deep voice and eloquent speaking, garnered a following of millions. For real. This guy is from the same ilk as Hitler when it comes to toxic opinions expertly spoken. Not only was he so irate about the fucking cup decorations, he also walked into the coffee shop with his Jesus T-shirt and “because [Starbucks] hates the 2nd amendment, [he] was even carrying a gun!”
What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? His other videos have him taking out a machine gun and saying they should fight against gay rights, but then he took it down when he realized it was just a teensy bit too Satanic. Another video has him and his inbred son shooting a gun and, my god, the son looks deranged.
This man is everything a Christian shouldn’t be: intolerant, offensive, aggressive and just plain old ignorant. You absolutely know he beats his children and, hell, probably his wife because she doesn’t listen to the man of the family – another outdated biblical moral.
Also, the man is a fool to think that the Christmas decorations on the cups were anything more than a secular association. There weren’t crosses on them or nativity scenes. There were ornaments and snowflakes. And reindeers. These things, while maybe being linked to the Xmas holiday, are hardly anymore religious than the Easter bunny having eggs. Starbucks taking them off the cups was just a practical move to avoid any promotion of one holiday, not the removal of that holiday.
The guy is an idiot. Also, he looks like Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but somehow less amusing.
Guys. This is incredible. If you haven’t heard about the latest app that’s sweeping the game, let me tell you.
Rumblr is like Tinder and Grindr, except instead of boning, it’s for fist fighting. That’s right, folks. Fist fighting.
Guys (and girls -“RumblHER”) on the app can match with someone who equates their skill level as a fighter and then can talk shit to one another for however long they please. After a few verbal taunts are thrown around, one can either “Schedule a Fight” or “Pussy Out.” Once you schedule a fight, it gets thrown onto a public Rumblr Map where users can see where and when fights are going down. Then, you can jump each other in if you want!
Oh, it’s incredible. What a time to be alive. Even better, the developers of the app have stated, very earnestly, that this app is 100 percent serious and not some homage to “Fight Club.”
This is probably one of the funniest and greatest apps to ever come around. Folks, if you’ve ever read me before, you know I prize one thing more than anything else: authenticity. This app is geared to the most basic and primal instinct in all of humanity. We were made to fight and kill and rage on each other but, quite frankly, we’ve grown into a society of little baby dicks. Myself included, guys, myself included.
One time a guy shat on my desk in class, but instead of getting heated, I just blogged about it. I’m the king of suppressing anger. I do it so much I’ve started to lose weight from all the tumors I have ruining my appetite. I look like an old Weimaraner that just kind of limps around looking for an ass to smell.
But with this new app we’ll finally be on the right track. It’ll take me some getting used to, though. Like, I think I’m only going to fight disabled people for a couple months. It’ll be like in a RPG game where you have to level grind on some rats or warthogs to get your skills up. I’ll just spend a couple months pummeling wheelchair-bound kids. If they’re not wheelchair-bound, it’s no fight.
I’m just saying “retard strength” has been proven real, despite how offensive the term is, and I’m not trying to get a car thrown on me by Lennie Small from “Of Mice and Men.”
But I wonder, excitedly, where we could be headed, you know? Like what’s next? Murdr, for those moments where you’re just trying to sneak up and kill someone’s ass? Gangstr, for those moments where you have to a drive-by shooting? Rapr, if you ever want to get into a rap battle?
Who could say? I’m just glad app developers and investors are finally listening to the needs and instincts of humanity. Like, Flappy Bird was good and all, but everyone got heated when I started beating my little sister out of rage. Both eyes were so swollen and for a week I called her Blinkr.
Featured photo courtesy of: Wikipedia