Asshole and Hero of the Week
Although we love to view the world in absolutes, things are seldom black and white.
Heroes have skeletons in their closets and assholes secretly donate money to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan.
Okay, maybe not.
The point is that the world is a complex place, full of moral ambiguity, double standards and mixed feelings. So we have taken it upon ourselves to bring back the epic binary of good versus bad, right versus wrong and virtuous versus evil.
We humbly present to you Asshole and Hero of the Week.
Asshole: Santini Tate
Santini Tate is an 18-year-old who, according to the Huffington Post, was arrested for knocking over and robbing two 13-year-olds’ lemonade stand.
It happened when Tate walked up to them and asked for a drink after admitting he had no money. The two girls, being raised off the goodness of Junie B. Jones, offered him a free drink.
Tate proceeded to pile-drive the fuck out of that table and ran off with a whopping $30 bucks in cold. hard. cash.
After he was arrested, the cops linked him with other heinous crimes such as pushing down a girl scout, slashing the tires of a tricycle and stealing a Big League Chew from Walmart.
Stealing from a lemonade stand? Really?
That’s about as bad as stealing candy from a baby, maybe even worse because 13-year-olds understand what a total jerk a guy has to be to do that.
Those 13-year-olds were probably doing something very powerful with that money. Maybe they were donating it to a Relay For Life or figuring out their Sadie Hawkins Dance. Then again, and I’m only mentioning this because I like to keep an open mind, maybe it was drug money. I mean, who really knows? Kids these days love different types of drugs.
I remember, growing up, kids would pump handfuls of Germ-X and snort it before setting it on fire.
So, yeah, I’m not saying those girls are completely innocent. I need to see their reports. And no, not their book reports. I’ve read “Where the Red Fern Grows” plenty of times, and I’m over it.
But Santini Tate, huh? Sounds like the inbred cousin of Carlos Santana.
And you know, I know what you’re thinking, I should have made this week’s asshole the assholes that participated in that recent KKK march, but the truth is their little club has been so diminished that it’s hardly worth even paying attention to. I mean, those guys are pathetic — but stealing from a lemonade stand pathetic?
The Klan would never do that.
In fact they’re big proponents of bakeries. In Alabama, one of the most successful chains is Kelly’s Kitchen Kupcakes.
But let me grab that KKK thread for a second a bring it over to the…
Hero: Officer Leroy Smith
According to MSNBC, Officer Leroy Smith helped a white supremacist get out of the scorching summer sun during the KKK march on the South Carolina capitol.
The KKK were marching to protest the removal of a confederate flag, and when an elderly leader was starting to struggle, Smith jumped in to help him into shade and sparked the movement known as Conquering Hate.
Good for you Leroy Smith. It takes a mightier man than I to help someone that you probably should hate.
I remember when Denkins McNeil pantsed me in sixth grade. A couple of years later, he started having an asthma attack, and I directed the Nun’s way to a kid jerking off in science class. (I went to a catholic school and that kid was showing his pubes under a microscope — also McNeil died.)
Point is! You’re a mightier man than me, Leroy (Can I call you Leroy?) — even if you are wearing that ridiculous Officer Uniform and 10-gallon hat. You still look more fashionable than me on my best day (when my plaid braces clash with my paisley unitard).
To have a black officer care for a racist at this point in our tumultuous history is pretty impressive. But it’s obviously a problem that its impressive. We shouldn’t have to be moved by interracial kindness. How far have we fallen?
Regardless, though, he’s still a hero. To be quite honest it makes me look bad. It makes me feel bad too for when I kicked a wheel chaired guy out of CiCi’s Pizza for saying my sticky-slap hand wasn’t sticky enough.
That was the sound of me opening my 200th Corona for the night.
Am I fit for this job? Who’s to say? Am I using product placement like Dom from Fast & Furious? Probably. Are you still reading this? You betcha.
Featured photo courtesy of WordPress